Tomorrow is April 1st. . .

. . . and that has great significance to me, because I made it through today. I did not think I could make it to this day let alone through this day because of everything I HAD to get done today, but I'm here, and I made it through, and I got everything done that I could possibly get done. I am so relieved! The mind is a funny thing--mine is my own worst enemy. The stress I put myself through because of my anxiety is indescribable. Not only did I make it through this day, but the day itself was not nearly as bad as I had anticipated it to be. I think I do that to myself so that my expectations are really low--then when my expectations are exceeded, things are good. It's the torture that comes with worrying about it. I hate that I worry. I don't want to be that way. My problems are nothing compared to some. It's dumb and wasted energy.

Now I just need to move on to the next hurdle. Look out, here I go!

Busy, Busy, Busy

Wow--it has literally been a busy week or two since I last posted. I have found I am really a home-body and don't wish to go anywhere once I get home, but unfortunately I don't have that luxury. Luckily, my girls only have gymnastics twice a week. I don't know how these parents do it that have to take their kids to baseball practice every night, or therapy most days of the week.

I have felt a strain on my relationships lately because I have been so busy, and I hope some of it is just me--I hope my family hasn't noticed the strain. I really feel pulled in so many directions, and I know I put the stress on myself, but I really hate that feeling. No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and I know there are so many out there who have it so much worse than me. I'm not complaining, just concerned that my actions, busy-ness and words might hurt the people around me.

I think the worst thing you can do in times like these is to isolate yourself, and I sometimes have a tendency to do that. . . so I'm trying my best!

History

I was going through some of my dad's old movies tonight. It is so, um, surreal maybe is the right word, to see his handwriting and look at some of the things he filmed. There are notes on most of the reels that say funny thinks like "Pole Climbers" and "Katie walking into Trailer" or "Rob with sucker". Some are funny, like "Brad sticking out tongue" or "Brad teasing Katie", and some are serious like "Grandpa Cole's Funeral". Then there is a historic one that says, "Kennedy at Fairgrounds" which gives me the chills just reading it and typing it. They start in 1954 and go up to 1979. There are even two reels of film that are empty. I would love to see if there was a way I could film the girls on those, but I have no idea if anybody would even be able to develop those. Some of the films are in tin canisters labeled either Wards orKasper's Photo Shop. Most of them are in small boxes, about 3" by 3", with postmarks from Chicago, New York or Hollywood, California.

If you think about it, there might only be one major historic film included in this box of memories, but in a way all of it is history. It's all the history of my family, seen mostly through my father's eyes, which makes it all that much more valuable to me.

Sensational Kids

Sydney had a doctor's appointment today--another follow-up for the weird warts she has. They are starting to get better--they have spread some, but even the new ones are starting to look dried up, so that was all good. She also has a boil on her arm, for which the doctor prescribed an antibiotic cream. She has had it almost 3 weeks I would guess. It got really big, but it has shrunk and now has a scab on it, which is good. I also spoke with the doctor about Sydney's "sensory" issues. I have always noticed that Sydney has certain sensitivities-mainly with noise and touch (socks and jeans issue). The doctor said (and Marlene had already told me this) that Sydney probably has some hypersensitivity to noise and touch, and recommended I read a book called "Sensational Kids". She said her daughter has a lot of the same issues, and they ended up doing an Occupational Therapy evaluation, and she sees an OT for her sensory issues. She told me after I read the book to talk to her and let her know what specific 'symptoms' Sydney demonstrates, and then we can go from there. She said the sad thing is she didn't learn anything about this in medical school--it all came about from the research she has done after seeing her own daughter have melt-downs and issues with senses--mainly auditory. She said she has a few children in her practice that have this. She also said we are catching it at the perfect time--where we can help her before she starts school.

Thank you Marlene for helping me to understand this, and thank you Dr. Heidi for being such a great doctor. I am very blessed.

Sad Day

Mom called this afternoon to say that my brother-in-law's mother Phyllis passed away. We've known for weeks it was coming, but it still made me cry--made me sad. I am sad for Ryan who has such a big heart and is such a softie. This will hit him hard. I am sad for Sarah because she and Phyllis spent a lot of time together and had a special relationship. I am sad for Roger who now has no parents left on this earth. I am sad for the whole family and am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers, as trite as that sounds.

Take care Kern family--I love you--let me know what I can do to help.