We received the report from the first OT that Sydney went to for an evaluation of her Sensory Processing Disorder. It was a really thorough (and long) report. I found it both helpful and heartbreaking wondering how many of Sydney's classmates actually can do all the things that Sydney cannot, plus wondering how many of these 'inabilities' or 'deficiencies' Sydney has that I have either caused or not helped. I see myself now through completely different eyes, as I do Sydney's life up to this point.
First, the report describes Sydney's visit in great detail. It discusses everything from Sydney flapping her arms to talking baby talk as either behavioral or coping mechanisms--the OT was not sure. She talks about Sydney's inability to track the ball that is being thrown at her, and her inability to catch it without using her body. I guess I didn't know that 5 year olds COULD catch a ball without using their bodies to help them catch--especially since it was a large beach ball. She discusses Syd's tactile disfunction in regards to the small swimming pool filled with unpopped popcorn, and how she refused to enter the pool, didn't want to touch the kernels and wouldn't give eye contact. The report also discusses how, when on the floor laying flat on her tummy, Sydney was asked to be a snake and didn't use her legs very much to move along the floor. Was that a misunderstanding on Syd's part or inability for her brain to communicate the proper movements to her body? There is quite a few areas (more than I expected) that we need to work on. I am sort of overwhelmed. The OT included information on Therapeutic Listening, and how along with a 'sensory diet' it might help Sydney progress faster. I sent our new OT an e-mail to see what she thought and if it might be worth looking into. Hopefully she gets back to me soon. Marlene said she just got back from vacation, so maybe it will be a few days before she responds. I keep thinking that I don't have a few days; I want to get going on this NOW!
Second, the report gave us some great insight into what we need to work on with Sydney. The OT gave us lists of different fun things we can do at home, and Sydney will have no clue that it is therapy. It's all mostly different things we can do just playing with her. As I read the list, after reading about Sydney's deficiencies, I was thinking how much of this could I have helped along? I find myself looking back on times with Sydney where I was the enabler--trying to calm Syd's anxiety or frustration by stepping in to help with zippers, shoes, getting dressed, etc--or just doing all of these things just to avoid the distressing behavior in the morning before day care so that we could both have a good day. I think about all the toys she has asked for, like Moon Sand or Play Dough or different things she's seen on tv, and how I said I wouldn't buy those things because they are too messy. Has my need for less stress actually caused more for all of us? Had I bought the moon sand long ago when she wanted it, would that have lessoned some of her issues? Had I stepped back and let her try to do things on her own, would she be farther along? I specifically remember on several occasions thinking, "This is my baby, and it's okay if I do these things for her. She will learn them eventually. She doesn't need to grow up so fast." Dammit. Some of the other activities on the OT's list included chores, such as washing windows, carrying in groceries, vacuuming. Neither of my girls do these things. Can you say, "enabler"? I certainly can, and I know the word all to well. Might as well stamp it on my forehead or wear it as a sandwich sign for the whole world to see, as I have labeled myself. I am thinking I am the biggest obstacle in Sydney's path.
So, tonight when I picked the girls up, we went directly to Target and shopped in the toy aisles. You should have heard Sydney's delight when I told her she could get Moon Sand. She told me that she had been wanting it her whole life. We also bought a huge "can" of playdough--it had 20 different playdough colors and scissors, molds, you name it. Morgan got something she'd been wanting as well, so both were very happy girls. Ya gotta love that.
Time to move forward, lose the guilt and do the best we can from this point forward. It's too late to change what I've done in the past. Now it's time to give these girls more chores and more fun as well. Wish me luck, strength and perserverence.
