Baskets of Blessings & Loads of Laundry

Update on Syd

2010-09-15T19:49:00.003-06:00

Wow, I have not posted anything to my blog in quite some time. I really haven't felt like it, obviously, but today it was my turn to be on overload, so I decided a blog post might do me some good.

Summer was hectic and crazy busy and, as usual, went by way too fast. We dealt with new issues this year called Thunderstorms. Sydney freaks when she hears thunder and has to put on her ear muffs to help calm herself, which doesn't always work. She did, however, gain a lot of confidence in riding in the boat, so with the bad comes the good.

First grade started out well with only a few tears coming from Syd, and less tears for Mom as well. Syd's done well these first few weeks with no complaints and is even going to the boys and girls club every day after school. I thought we would see a lot more meltdowns in the evenings because of this, but that has not been the case. These are all good things!

Then came the e-mail this morning from Sydney's teacher. The e-mail stated, in a nutshell, that Sydney did not do very good on some assessment tests, and it qualified her for Title I.

I had to read the e-mail again, because I thought I must have read it wrong. I was not prepared to see this--her kindergarten teacher told me last year that Sydney was among the top students in her class, so it took me by surprise. I had to read the e-mail a second time and hold back the tears since I was working in our conference room on a project with other staff.

The teacher told me to call her this afternoon so we could discuss. She said she had spoken to Sydney's kindergarten teacher who did not think that Sydney needed the help. She said that Sydney was not a good test taker and that's probably all it was.

All morning, I struggled to concentrate. My mind went from concern that Syd's sensory issues and sensory seeking might be mis-construed as her having ADD or ADHD, to me thinking about the fact that I had noticed how Syd digressed over the summer. I pushed that thought aside, as every child digresses over the summer. That's typical. But for some reason I don't recall Morgan digressing that much...Syd could no longer read sight words like she could last year. She has started to write her letters backwards and mix up the letters in words that she does know. I was so distracted that I ran a red light at lunchtime.

I called the teacher @ the time she specified, and she was very positive about everything. On one of the assessments, Sydney scored a 22, and the miniumum score she needed was a 40. So, I decided this could be a good thing. I told her teacher that Sydney wants to learn to read so badly. Ever since she saw the movie "Matilda", that's all she wants to do is read, but she gets frustrated easily. So, our hope is that Sydney will like going to this group and that it will give her a leg up on learning to read. That is how we are going to approach this with Sydney.

We then discussed in more detail some of Syd's sensory issues and what she does at her OT sessions. I described to her teacher how Syd's least favorite part of OT is when Miss Melissa makes her do activities such as coloring or writing to help her work on her fine motor skills. Her teacher had no idea that Syd did not enjoy those kinds of things, but did notice that Syd struggles with scissors. Yep--that's part of it too....

I guess to sum it up, I have always noticed how far my little girl has come over the last year, and I try to push the negative stuff to the back of my mind when I do notice them...not that I'm in denial--just maybe being a 'Pollyanna' because that's what I do. It's MY coping mechanism. Syd has her ear muffs for thunderstorms and boat rides, and I have that broom in my head that sweeps things away when I am not ready to deal. Today those 'things' came rushing back to the forefront, and I had no choice but to deal. The good news is that it's not bad news, just something I had not prepared myself for. Sydney has great people at the school looking out for her, and for that she is blessed. She is fine, and she will be fine, and she will continue to grow and make me laugh with her great sense of humor and comedy. For that I am blessed.

Oh, and one more thing....Syd slept through that horrible thunderstorm last night. Hallelujiah.

Link

2010-03-30T20:41:00.002-06:00

I am posting this link in the hopes that anybody who reads my blog that isn't on Facebook will see this and maybe take some action...this is a link to my sister's blog regarding the annual Conference on Autism held at MSU-Billings. This conference has lost its biggest sponsor and needs donors. If you are in a position where you are able to help, please know that you will have made a difference in the lives of children with autism.

http://jaredsjourney.blogspot.com/2010/03/post-with-purpose.html

One Year

2010-02-27T12:06:00.002-07:00

As Sydney and I were coming home from picking up her cake and balloons for her birthday party today, I noticed the RV and Boat show was going on at Metrapark. Then it hit me. Last year, when we went to the show, was the exact moment I realized something was not 'right' with my child. It was right there in front of me, and there was no denying it anymore.

Last year when I was going into the building with Morgan and Sydney while Kory was parking the truck, Sydney saw the four-wheelers, motorcycles and boats, she screamed, turned around, and took off out the doors. I had never seen her act this way before, and I was so thankful we were not near a street, because she would have been hit by a car. At the time, I knew something was wrong, but I did not know what it was. That's when my sister suggested I speak to Syd's doctor, and that's when the doctor told me to read a book about Sensory Processing Disorder. I still have that book, sitting in our living room with what looks like hundreds of red post-it flags on the pages where there was something that reminded me of Syd.

We are going to the RV and Boat show tomorrow, and I am going to be more 'aware' of how Syd reacts this year, after nearly one year of OT and nearly one year of me realizing some of the behaviors we probably made worse. On the flip side, one year of seeing great improvements in Sydney, that still amaze me when I allow myself to stop and think about it. Some of the accomplishments include Syd going to kindergarten and being successful not only academically but socially, Syd learning to read, Syd doing a pullover at gymnastics,Syd vacuuming and Syd getting into the big blow-up bouncy castle at gymnastics. This summer will be more telling to see how she handles the boat. We still have the socks issue to work on, but I have let that go for now.

Happy Birthday my Sydney. I am blessed to have you for my child. I learn from you every day.

A Pleasant Surprise

2010-02-14T20:17:00.002-07:00

While I was sitting around Friday night doing a whole lot of nothing, I realized we were having a pretty calm/quiet night considering. It was the Friday of Sydney's first Valentine's day party at school. Some people might think that's a normal thing, having a calm and quiet night with your family, but I remember thinking earlier that day as I left for work that we were in for a roller-coaster ride that night. Sydney was up bright and early and soooo excited to go to school. We had to make cupcakes on Thursday night for her party, and she just could not wait for her party to start and to open her Valentines. Usually when Sydney is so overly excited and anxious for something like this (birthday party, Christmas) we get overrun with meltdowns. Plus, on Fridays she goes to club, and I knew they were going to have some big activities there after school, so I braced myself for the evening. I even stopped and had a beer with some friends on my way home from work, as I knew Kory was getting the girls, and they wanted him to be later than usual so they didn't miss out on the fun.

When I got home, I had completely forgotten about my concerns. We had dinner, and the night went on as they usually do. Then I realized it. Sydney was having a great night! She did not have any meltdowns, she was not in 'sensory seeking' mode, she just was having a good night and hanging out with her family. I stopped and just sat and watched her for a few moments, thankful for how far she has come in less than a year.

Setting an Example

2010-02-06T15:12:00.002-07:00

I picked Morgan up this morning from her friend's house where she attended a birthday party/sleepover. She was busy telling me about all the fun things they did, and I listened happily, glad that she still tells me all of this, and hoping that Sydney will be able to do this some day. I haven't spent a lot of alone time with Morgan for quite a while, so I asked her if she wanted to go shopping with me and run some errands. She said yes, so off we went.

After stopping at a few places, we ended up at Target, and I remembered that the kids' Valentine's Day parties are next week, so I said we better go pick out some Valentine's for them to take to school. Of course the aisle with the kids' valentine's was really busy. As I tried to maneuver into the aisle, a girl, probably high school age, said something to me. I said what, and she said she was looking for pencils from toy story with Woody and Buzz, and I said I didn't know where those were. We went up the aisle with the valentine's, and the girl kept talking to me even though I had moved on. At that point I could tell that she was mentally disabled, and I could also feel the tension in the aisle from the other people/families not knowing what to do. Nobody would talk to her, and it broke my heart. While Morgan was looking at the cards, I decided that the best thing for me to do was to talk to this girl and show Morgan it was okay. It was amazing--like the minute I engaged in conversation with her, the tension in the aisle disappeared, like everybody thought "Oh phew she's talking to that lady so I don't have to talk to her." Sad.

The girl said she wanted to get something that said "Love Mom & Dad" and she pointed at the cards, so I showed her a few valentines that were for mom's and dad's and she asked me to read them to her. Then she said her dad really liked pictures and wanted me to show her some other valentine's with pictures on them. Then she told me about Special Olympics and how she was selling raffle tickets for a truck. So sweet. I kept wondering who brought her to the store and where were they? Pretty soon somebody was calling her name, and it was her mom looking for her. She yelled at the girl and said pick something out and let's go. They were yelling back and forth. I felt bad for her and was quick to judge the mom, and then I thought how hard their life must be raising a special needs child, and how patience probably wears thin pretty easily when in situations such as this. The girl left with the mom, and Morgan and I finished up our shopping.

What amazes me about this 'encounter' is that Morgan didn't even seem phased by it. She didn't ask me any questions about what was wrong with the girl, she didn't make fun of her, she just continued shopping and being with me. I thought maybe once we got to the truck she would ask me some questions, but that didn't happen either. I can't even describe how happily surprised I am by that. My hope is that Morgan is always like that.

I then remembered how Morgan told me the other day that she and a classmate of hers got to 'play' with Shay during school. Shay is a special needs child in Morgan's class, although she is not in their classroom much as she spends most of her time in special ed. But, the cool thing is that the school has the other children in her class take turns helping Shay during therapy and playing with her. I think that has taught them patience and understanding, and is the best thing the school can do for both the typical kids and non-typical kids. Morgan really likes it when she gets the chance to play with Shay.

After thinking about this, my 'setting an example' today was probably not that big of a deal to Morgan as she sets this kind of an example a lot at school. Maybe I need to watch my daughter and learn from her as well.

This Change Sucks

2010-01-28T18:22:00.003-07:00

Change is necessary. I know that.

I attended a meeting tonight at the day care next door to us. The new owner of the day care was there to introduce herself and discuss the changes she is making to the day care. This change sucks.

Morgan started at this day care when she was 3, and Sydney has gone there since she was a baby. All the wonderful people at the day care have played a huge role in helping to shape my children--especially Kim, the owner, and Callie & Kim who both taught preschool. I can tell you that my children are so much better off for having gone to this day care than had I been a stay-at-home mom. They are both shy children, and I think they have benefited so much socially from going to this day care. Plus, I hear often at the school how the children who have attended this day care have such a great foundation and are often farther ahead than a lot of the other children.

We found out today that the day care will be adding babies as soon as they are licensed/approved (no this will not affect me--I am done having babies!!). We also found out that at the end of the school year, they will not be taking school kids. That sucks. You see, this day care was my safety net for Sydney. Well, it was her safety net too. She felt she could handle Boys & Girls club once a week, but I'm already preparing her for going every day next year. I knew the day care would always be there for us. Kim and Callie and all the gals truly love my children--they love all the children there. And I knew if I needed them this summer, they would be there. That's not going to be the case anymore.

I hope these special ladies know how much I appreciate everything they've done not only for my girls but for my peace of mind. I also hope they know what a positive impact they have had on the children that have attended this day care, and I hope they never forget that!!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The Golden Tooth

2010-01-15T19:37:00.003-07:00

Sydney had her dentist appointment today. Lucky for me, Kory said he would take her. Wait a minute--I'll start from the beginning.

The 23rd of December Sydney was complaining about her tooth hurting. Once I got her to let me look in her mouth, I noticed she had a pretty big cavity in one of her baby molars. Crap. The one and only time she's been to the dentist, she wouldn't even let them count her teeth. We have been putting off taking her to the dentist because of the screaming and crying she did at her first visit. Well, this is the result of our procrastinating--a cavity--a BAD cavity. I got in touch with my friend to see what dentist she takes her son to. We got Sydney in to see the dentist the following Monday. Gulp.

I picked Syd up and brought her to the dentist office where Kory was going to take her in. As we were waiting in the car, I noticed tears rolling down Syd's face. I hugged her--I knew she was worried the whole drive in because she hardly said a word. Poor thing--I can't even imagine what's going through her little 'unsorted' brain at this point. She literally cannot process this kind of thing. One thing I have read about kids with Sensory Processing Disorder is that the dentist freaks them out--there is no processing that. Kory drove up, and Sydney said she wanted me to come in with them. Another gulp.

She was crying as we got out of the car and walked into the building. She cried even harder when we got in the building. I kept telling myself to keep it together. The gal gave me the paperwork and I tried to concentrate on filling it all out and not pay attention to my stressed out child.

They called Sydney back, and she was crying again. Kory went back with her. Pretty soon, they had her in the chair, and I could hear her screaming, "No No!" That's it. The tears are now streaming down my face. So I finished filling out the paperwork, and I left. What a great mom huh? Not.

They could not take x-rays that day. They were able to count her teeth, but that was it. They set up the appointment to do a partial root canal and fill the tooth. Even though it's a baby tooth, it will be a few years before she loses it, so if they just pulled it, the other teeth would move and there would not be room for the permanent tooth. They said that the day of the appointment they would give her a kool-aid cocktail (sedative), let it take effect, and then give her laughing gas. Okay--I think she'll be okay. That's what I told myself. I knew it wouldn't be okay.

Kory took Sydney in today for her appointment. He thought the sedative was working--she was getting sleepy. Then when they took her back, her braveness disappeared. They gave her gas but they could not get her to calm down. They ended up coming out and asking Kory for permission to hold her down, otherwise she would have to go to a surgery center at another time, so he said hold her down. He said he could hear her screaming and crying. He was sending me up-to-the minute text messages telling me what was going on. Pretty soon I had to ask him to stop--I had to shut my office door--I was in tears. Thank goodness I didn't have to be there. I would have been a mess.

When I got home after work tonight, the first thing Sydney said to me was, "Hey Mom! Look at my golden tooth!!" She proudly showed it to me, and she said she can't wait to show it to her friends on Monday. Wow--what a trooper. Must not have been so bad.

This was harder on me than her, that's for sure. She was more brave than me.

My hope with days like these is that Syd will look back on them and get some confidence that even though there will be difficult and scary things in life, she will live through them and be just fine. I hope she remembers that.

It's Been Too Long!

2010-01-12T21:53:00.002-07:00

Wow it has been way too long since I've posted on my blog. I went back and read some of my older posts--some are kinda corny I was thinking to myself, but oh well they are out there.

Kory and I were talking about Syd's progress with her sensory issues. Amazingly enough, and kinda surprising to me, she is making progress. She is better prepared and more in control when it comes to loud noises. She does not seem to have as much anxiety as she used to. I attribute this not only to OT, but to her successes in kindergarten--especially thanks to her wonderful teacher. We have a lot less meltdowns than we used to. It is amazing to me. Kory said when he took her to OT the other day, there was a construction crew working in the entryway to clean up some flooding. It didn't even phase her. Even her OT aide Melissa noticed that Sydney was not distracted or upset by all the noise. Yay!!

I think what is the most sad about this is that I really have not allowed myself to notice all of this. I really had no idea how long Sydney would need to have OT and how long before we noticed any positive effects from it. I have been so entrenched in the every day happenings of our lives and working with Sydney that I did not celebrate our progress. Instead I have focused on things such as the fact that she still refuses to wear socks, or that she still won't go over the bar at gymnastics, etc.

Today I allowed myself to feel a little bit of joy about her progress.

I understand on some small scale what my sister is talking about when she speaks of her son. Forge ahead, don't forget what needs to be done, and above all focus and get your act together to help your child! (This is what I say to myself on a daily basis!)

Where Did the Summer Go?

2009-08-19T07:50:00.003-06:00

Seriously--where did it go? Summer ALWAYS goes by way too fast, but this one seems especially fast. I don't think I've had a more stressful summer than this one. Well, I take that back. The summer my dad passed away was the worst. But this, well this is a different kind of stress. It's work related and family related. It quite frankly SUCKS! I know I know I should be thankful--and believe me I am--I have a wonderful family, I have a roof over my head, I get to go camping, and I have awesome friends--AMAZING friends. And, I have a job. Sydney has OT weekly--that will end this next week when school starts--I'm thinking we'll have to change it to once a month and do it on more of a consulting basis as I don't want to take 2 hours out of my day to drive out to her school, bring her back into town and take her back to school in the middle of the afternoon--very disruptive for both of us. Morgan is excited to start school--which is a wonderful thing that makes it so easy--Sydney not so much. Sydney is worried. Sydney is anxious. I try to keep a positive spin on the whole school thing, but I don't know if it's working. We get to meet with her teacher next week the afternoon before the first day of school, so hopefully that will ease some of her worries. AND she has her big sister there. Granted, Morgan will be in a different building (although still connected) but she will go get Sydney and take her to boys and girls club. I asked her if she would do that for the first few days until Sydney is used to it, and she said yes. Yay! Thank you Morgan--you are an awesome big sister--just like mine was! Morgan will show Syd the ropes, and Syd will get used to all the kids and activity--it was just as chaotic at day care sometimes, so I'm sure she'll adapt just fine. Can you tell I am trying to convince myself of this?

I get a long weekend--yay--we're heading out to go camping tonight. I need a break--now if I can just shut my mind off. It's my worst enemy I tell ya!

Did I cause any of these issues?

2009-07-08T19:53:00.002-06:00

We received the report from the first OT that Sydney went to for an evaluation of her Sensory Processing Disorder. It was a really thorough (and long) report. I found it both helpful and heartbreaking wondering how many of Sydney's classmates actually can do all the things that Sydney cannot, plus wondering how many of these 'inabilities' or 'deficiencies' Sydney has that I have either caused or not helped. I see myself now through completely different eyes, as I do Sydney's life up to this point.

First, the report describes Sydney's visit in great detail. It discusses everything from Sydney flapping her arms to talking baby talk as either behavioral or coping mechanisms--the OT was not sure. She talks about Sydney's inability to track the ball that is being thrown at her, and her inability to catch it without using her body. I guess I didn't know that 5 year olds COULD catch a ball without using their bodies to help them catch--especially since it was a large beach ball. She discusses Syd's tactile disfunction in regards to the small swimming pool filled with unpopped popcorn, and how she refused to enter the pool, didn't want to touch the kernels and wouldn't give eye contact. The report also discusses how, when on the floor laying flat on her tummy, Sydney was asked to be a snake and didn't use her legs very much to move along the floor. Was that a misunderstanding on Syd's part or inability for her brain to communicate the proper movements to her body? There is quite a few areas (more than I expected) that we need to work on. I am sort of overwhelmed. The OT included information on Therapeutic Listening, and how along with a 'sensory diet' it might help Sydney progress faster. I sent our new OT an e-mail to see what she thought and if it might be worth looking into. Hopefully she gets back to me soon. Marlene said she just got back from vacation, so maybe it will be a few days before she responds. I keep thinking that I don't have a few days; I want to get going on this NOW!

Second, the report gave us some great insight into what we need to work on with Sydney. The OT gave us lists of different fun things we can do at home, and Sydney will have no clue that it is therapy. It's all mostly different things we can do just playing with her. As I read the list, after reading about Sydney's deficiencies, I was thinking how much of this could I have helped along? I find myself looking back on times with Sydney where I was the enabler--trying to calm Syd's anxiety or frustration by stepping in to help with zippers, shoes, getting dressed, etc--or just doing all of these things just to avoid the distressing behavior in the morning before day care so that we could both have a good day. I think about all the toys she has asked for, like Moon Sand or Play Dough or different things she's seen on tv, and how I said I wouldn't buy those things because they are too messy. Has my need for less stress actually caused more for all of us? Had I bought the moon sand long ago when she wanted it, would that have lessoned some of her issues? Had I stepped back and let her try to do things on her own, would she be farther along? I specifically remember on several occasions thinking, "This is my baby, and it's okay if I do these things for her. She will learn them eventually. She doesn't need to grow up so fast." Dammit. Some of the other activities on the OT's list included chores, such as washing windows, carrying in groceries, vacuuming. Neither of my girls do these things. Can you say, "enabler"? I certainly can, and I know the word all to well. Might as well stamp it on my forehead or wear it as a sandwich sign for the whole world to see, as I have labeled myself. I am thinking I am the biggest obstacle in Sydney's path.

So, tonight when I picked the girls up, we went directly to Target and shopped in the toy aisles. You should have heard Sydney's delight when I told her she could get Moon Sand. She told me that she had been wanting it her whole life. We also bought a huge "can" of playdough--it had 20 different playdough colors and scissors, molds, you name it. Morgan got something she'd been wanting as well, so both were very happy girls. Ya gotta love that.

Time to move forward, lose the guilt and do the best we can from this point forward. It's too late to change what I've done in the past. Now it's time to give these girls more chores and more fun as well. Wish me luck, strength and perserverence.

Vacation in So. Dakota

2009-06-25T16:20:00.002-06:00

What to write, what to blog. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, it's that I have too many thoughts going through my head, and it's sorting them out and choosing so they make the best sense.

We left on Sunday the 21st to start out our vacation. We headed for Devil's Tower, WY. The girls did okay--mostly Syd was impatient, but okay. What an amazing site--we topped one of the hills heading there, and all of a sudden there it was. This big rock sticking up out of the earth peering over the hills. It was amazing. It wasn't like there was a bunch of other rocks around it--it was pretty much by itself. Very cool. We spent the afternoon--once we got the camper parked and settled--hiking around the base and watching climbers on the tower. It was such a fun day. The girls got tired and hot, but they did great. Monday morning we got up, packed everything back up and headed for South Dakota. It took us a while, but we made our way through Rapid City and down through Hill City and to our campground. It's HUGE!! We got parked and settled and were deciding on what to do, when we heard a knock on our camper door. Great, it's the KOA guy--what are we in trouble for this time? (long story, but it seems sometimes when we go camping we get into trouble--but not because we've done anything wrong, but sometimes people are just jerks!) Anyway, we weren't in trouble, but actually the KOA was in trouble with one of their customers. Apparently a man made reservations way back in January for our specific spot, and he happened to arrive the same day we did--but we got here first--and for some reason--I think when we added an extra night to our stay--they put us in this guy's spot. Well he threw a fit, so one of the head honchos came to our camper and offered us our whole stay for free if we would move. Heck yeah we'll move! So, we ended up moving--closer to the playground and pools--and spent the rest of the day here at our campground, swimming, playing and hanging out. Tuesday morning we decided to get up early and head to the Needles highway and drive on the pigtails and go through Custer State Park. We saw tons of buffalo, a few deer, and fed the burros. It was a fun day but lots of driving. Wednesday we slept in a little bit then headed towards Rapid City and went to Reptile Gardens. Sydney was pretty scared to go in there, but once she realized that all the animals were behind glass and in cages (well for the most part) she was okay. We even sat and watched a bird show and saw part of an alligator show. We really enjoyed Reptile Gardens, which is amazing because that wasn't even one of our original planned stops, but we decided to try it out. We then headed into Rapid City to have a lunch cooked for us (our first time eating out on vacation!) and then went to the maze. Well that kicked us in the butt! It was pretty confusing, but we had fun even though we were really hot and tired. Then we drove around Rapid City and stopped at Sonic (never eaten there before!) to have some ice cream. By the time we got back to the campground, we were pretty sure Marlene, John and the kids had arrived at the lodge, so we walked up there and found them, and played with the kids at the park for a while, then came back to the camper for a campfire and some fun.

This morning (Thursday), we got up EARLY so we could make it to Mt. Rushmore before it got too crazy busy. Wow--that was amazing too. Unfortunately, it was not a good time for Sydney. She was on overload. I missed most of the museum because she would take off running once we entered and she heard the explosion from the little video demonstration. She refused to go in there. She cried so much today--it was pretty rough--I'm sure for her more than me because I don't understand. I was almost in tears at the museum from frustration. There's only so much you can do until everybody is miserable, so basically you do the best you can. Then we headed to Flintstone Village. She had more overloads there. The little Flintstone Trio show was more than she wanted to take, and we forced her to sit in there with us, which I don't know if that was a good idea or not. Then Barney and Fred came out in their costumes--yikes--more overload. She wouldn't even walk AROUND them. We had to wait until they left before we could continue on. Bleh. She then did okay--decided she wanted to ride the Flinstone Village train, so that was good. The kids played on the playground lots, and we all got something in the gift shop. I guess looking back at the morning, with 8 of us in John and Marlene's vehicle and all the walking, and the heat, the kids didn't do too bad. I think Miss Melissa will get an earful from Syd next week at OT. Let's hope the thunder boomers don't come tonight and tomorrow at Bear Country is fun!!! It has been a great vacation so far. I'll post some pics later.

Change

2009-06-11T11:21:00.003-06:00

Change is comin' down the pike--what am I saying? Change is here--change is everyday life I think. Besides, what would like be without change? BORING! If only change came without worry, without heartache, without fear--hassle-free change. It does happen sometimes, but lately, it seems like change has been painful for my sister, my girls, and myself.

The girls started this week at their friends' house for the day with our babysitter Sarah. I was nervous about it--mainly because of Sydney and how she deals with change, and also because I don't want a wedge to go between my friend (the mom of the other 2 girls) and myself. I don't want any drama. I am so SICK of drama. But, thanks to my worrisome ways, the drama is there. The first day went great--Sarah took the kids to the park at the school, and they got to see some of their friends that are in the boys and girls club summer program. That made them happy. They did great, had fun, and were completely tired when they got home. Sydney was soooo cranky--and completely clumsy. I bet she fell 5 times Monday night. Then Tuesday morning came (after 2 nightmares Syd had) and she was CRABBY!!! It was bad. She kicked at me and was so mean. It was an awful morning. I left the house in tears. Mainly because I had been stressed and didn't sleep much during the night (plus Kory was SNORING!) so that doesn't ever help with the emotions.

Anyway, Tuesday night came, and things were a little bit better--the girls were still tired, but they had a good day. Same thing with Wednesday--but the girls were REALLY tired last night! Today is Syd's appointment with the new OT--I hope she's not too tired to function okay at the appointment! I'm glad they're staying busy and getting wore out--it really is good for them. Sarah takes them to the school for lunch on days that they know they will like what's being served. That is a good thing--it will get Sydney used to the cafeteria for when she goes to Kindergarten. She'll know what she needs to do, how busy and noisy it is, and where it is. These are all good things. But, they stress me out--I worry. I hate worrying. It sucks. Change is not so bad--it's the crap that comes with it. . . that I do to myself!!!

Evaluation

2009-06-09T07:56:00.003-06:00

Sorry I hadn't posted about Syd's evaluation. Things are just terribly crazy!!

We got to the OT's office (Miss Aimee) and there was Sydney's doctor with her daughter. That was a pretty cool coincidence. The daughter was talking to Sydney and telling her how much she would like Miss Aimee and checking to see how tall Syd was compared to her. So they left, and our visit with Aimee started by her having Syd swing on a "boat swing". It's hard to describe--it's like a flat rectangular board that hangs from the ceiling, and there are wooden dowels on either side that hold the rope (I don't think I'm explaining this very well). Anyway, after we finally convinced Syd to get on the swing, Aimee had her hold onto one of the dowels and start swinging by using her shoulders/arms. She then had her 'fish' from the swing with a fishing pole and a magnet and catch cards that were puzzle pieces and put them together. She did fine with all of that. She then had her slither like a snake on the ground (I think to test if she only used one side or both sides of her body) and then roll like a log. She was videotaping everything. I won't go through all the gory details, but she did see that Syd has some tactile dysfunction, as she would not put her feet into the swimming pool filled with unpopped popcorn (thus the fact that she refuses to wear socks and certain clothing). And she only wanted to use the scoops and not her hands to play with the popcorn. Aimee also thought that Sydney had problems tracking things with her eyes--like a ball hanging on a string from the ceiling. But, I think, even though I'm not a professional, that some of that was that she was busy watching Aimee and not the ball. She also noticed visual avoidance when she would throw the beach ball at Syd, but again, I think Sydney thought the ball was going to hit her in the face so she turned her head. The biggest thing, I think, that Aimee noticed and that we are working on is her fine motor skills. Sydney tends to tire easily when writing or coloring, so we have a lot of work to do there. Aimee suggested some exercises and fun things to get Sydney to do to help out with her shoulder strength which will help her with her fine motor skills/muscle strength. It was all very interesting to watch, but I was really disappointed when we left, as Aimee said she could not get us a report for 3 weeks, and then after that she could only see Sydney once every other week. I was really stressed and worried about that. Why is it that I seem to be the only one worried? Kory doesn't seem worried at all which frustrates me. If he is, he doesn't express it, and he isn't acting on it.

Luckily, I have this wonderful sister Marlene who was able to get us in for a second evaluation with the OT Jared sees, and she got us in for weekly appointments with the OT assistant. Thank you Marlene! You took a huge worry off my shoulders!!!

What am I supposed to do?

2009-05-28T21:46:00.002-06:00

I guess all I can do is just move on. Same song, different verse.

I'll post tomorrow about Syd's evaluation.

Referral

2009-05-04T20:57:00.002-06:00

Sydney had her appointment today with Dr. Heidi. They were so relieved we had already gotten her kindergarten shots. They hate giving those! Anyway, she asked us what behaviors do we think might interfere with Sydney's schooling. We told her noise, too much activity, and transitions. If Sydney is not prepared for something, she will have a meltdown. She nodded her head yes at all of these. She told us that even though Sydney's behaviors are mild to medium compared to the children described in the book, she thinks it would be good for a Pediatric Occupational Therapist to evaluate Syd. She gave us two names, and then she said she would call both of them and talk to them about Sydney to see which one could get her in first. Then we have a better chance of having some time before Kindergarten to work with Syd and help her adjust. She said she even had her OT go visit with her daughter's kindergarten teacher before school started, so it might be a good idea depending on the evaluation and how much we can help Sydney before school starts. Then she did the normal evaluation of Sydney--her pre-kindergarten well-child-checkup. She had Syd draw a picture of a person, so Sydney did it as fast as she could. Head, body, arms, legs, eyes, nose & mouth. I remember when Morgan did it--I believe she went into much greater detail--maybe even put a dress on the girl or drew hands. It is interesting to see the difference. Heidi said the main thing they look for developmentally is that they draw more than 3 body parts. phew! Sydney did fine on all the developmental tests, and Dr. Heidi even let her listen to her own heartbeat. Pretty amazing that Syd let her put the stethoscope ends in her ears since she is so sensitive there! Syd really liked it. Dr. Heidi took her out to get her a book and sticker and sucker and we were done. So now we will wait to hear when we can get Syd in to see the OT.

We are so lucky to have Dr. Heidi. She is so caring and the girls love her.

Dr's Appointment

2009-05-03T09:42:00.002-06:00

Sydney's evaluation for Sensory Processing Disorder is tomorrow. I am very interested to see what the doctor says. I finished the book last night that the doctor told me to read, "Sensational Kids". It had some very interesting thoughts in it. First and foremost, it said that they do not know the exact cause of SPD. They have a 'top ten' of things they have found doing research. One of the theories was that it is hereditary--but it said mainly that they do not usually have to look at people past the parents. From what I can tell, I do not have sensory issues like Sydney--and I really don't know about Kory. I know he was extremely shy, and I know that sometimes Syd's SPD (assuming that's what it is) is confused by others as shyness, so maybe there's something to it. The other cause that really stood out to me had to do with troubles with the pregnancy or at birth. They looked at 100 kids with SPD, and out of those 100 kids, 11 of them were breach, and 63 were C-Sections. I'm assuming that with all the other issues these kids had at birth, they had to be put on oxygen right after they were delivered--just like Syd and just like my nephew who also has sensory issues. This makes me wonder if that didn't "heighten" Syd's sensitivities. I remember when she was a baby how she would startle so easily--you could be looking right in her face, say "boo" quietly, and she would startle. She still startles easily--which is a nervous system reaction. Morgan does not. Isn't that interesting?

At the end of the book, among other appendices, the OT/author wrote a "Sample Letter for Helping Others Understand your Sensational Child". Here are some excerpts from that letter (I have edited some of it to apply to Syd's situation):

Dear (insert name here):

I know Mom has told you about my "hidden handicap" called Sensory Processing Disorder. People sometimes call the disability "SPD" or "sensory integration dysfunction" too. SPD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects my brain and makes it different than your brain.
SPD is a complicated disorder and research is only just starting to come out about it. What we know already is that kids with SPD are not all the same. Some kids are over-responsive to sensations, which means they find a lot of sensations offensive. This causes them to have a "fight/flight" reaction to messages from their senses. . . (the letter goes on to describe other types of sensory disorders). . .
I'm the over-responsive/sensory defensive type of SPD. My SPD makes it hard for me to correctly interpret the sensations I feel. I'm sure you remember last year when I hid in my room when everbody came over for Thanksgiving. I couldn't wait for everybody to get there, but when they did I couldn't handle/process all the noise and people, so I went in my room. Then later I had what Mom calls a "meltdown."
Sometimes people think that if I don't join them at the meal table it's because I am being rude. The sounds, smells and people get to me.
Sometimes people tell Mom and Dad that they just need to make me get used to things like the boat or the wind or the circus, or places with a lot of activities and noise. The reality is that I CAN'T get used to them. If I am in a new situation where I can't predict what is going to happen, I get scared and have a meltdown because I cannot process all the messages that are coming into my brain. Forcing me to do something will put my brain on overload, and then nobody will enjoy their time. Asking me to do something over and over that my parents have already tried to get me to do won't help.
You know what's most important to me? It's that you don't judge my parents' efforts. Everyone is always giving them advice about me or saying I'm just fine--like THEY know better how to handle me than Mom and Dad. But nobody else lives with me, and it's really hard on my parents when people who don't live with me try to tell them how to do it. They know you have the best intentions but, honestly, we have been through a lot already and they are so familiar with my needs. They are such great people and they need your support.
It might sound like I'm asking you to change yourself, but I'm really not. I just want to ask you to be patient with me and understanding with my parents. I am trying hard to cope with everything, and they're doing their best to help me.
Do you think you see the world now a little bit like I do? That's what I hope. I am just me. I am like you in lots of ways and I'm different in other ways. There will be a place for me in the world, and I plan to do great things when I grow up. But in the meantime, at family celebrations, we'll all have a better time if you can take the time to imagine how I feel, to realize that I want to be "good" and participate, and I am doing the best I can!

There were many traits described in this book that opened my eyes. For example, a low tolerance for frustration, or being slow to reach milestones. Syd did not walk until she was 16 months old. She was very slow to learn to ride a trike or her little bicycle with training wheels. She was always pretty clumsy--I remember joking how she was just like me--poor kid--but gymnastics has done wonders with that, working with her balance and building her muscles through play.

I'll post tomorrow night about Syd's appointment with her doctor and what we find out. I'm hopeful to see some positive changes in Sydney, assuming we are given activities to work with her or a referral to an OT. Anything we can do to help her will help the whole family, as I know it has put a strain on my relationship with Morgan.

OMG

2009-04-24T22:09:00.002-06:00

My baby is going to go to Kindergarten next year. I can hardly believe it. The school had kindergarten registration this morning, and I was almost emotional about it. I got a little bit teary-eyed filling out the paperwork. Dumb. Anyway, I took Morgan to school today (Kory usually takes her) since I had to go to Kindergarten registration, and she took ice cream sandwiches for her birthday treats. She wanted to listen to her new Hannah Montana cd I bought her for an early birthday present. It is actually a pretty good cd. Anyway, we were listening to "The Climb". I really love that song. It really strikes a chord with me, no matter how trite that statement sounds. Here are some of the words:

There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
There's always gonna be an uphill battle.
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
It doesn't matter how fast I get there.
It doesn't matter what's waitin' on the other side.
It's the climb.

So true, so true. So here's a little mountain--me sending my Syd to Kindergarten and hoping she isn't scared--but Morgan made it through. And Syd has Morgan and her best friend Maycee to lean on, so I'm sure she'll do just fine. She's got enough spunk in her. Not as much as her cousin Kate, but none-the-less she's got spunk.

Keep climbing, Keep the faith.

"I Love My Husband"

2009-04-04T20:40:00.002-06:00

I saw this bumper sticker on a mini-van the other night when I was taking Syd to gymnastics. I wondered what the heck it meant. I mean, I love my husband too, but I'm not going to put it as a bumper sticker on my car! Did she put it on there instead of saying, "I love my Golden Retriever" or "I love my Ferret"? I just don't get it.

Another thing I don't get are people that say, "I love you" all the time to their spouses or significant others every time they talk to them on the phone. So the more you say it means that you mean it more? To me it seems that the more it is said, the less it means.

Amazing what kind of thoughts a dumb bumper sticker evokes.

Tomorrow is April 1st. . .

2009-03-31T16:16:00.002-06:00

. . . and that has great significance to me, because I made it through today. I did not think I could make it to this day let alone through this day because of everything I HAD to get done today, but I'm here, and I made it through, and I got everything done that I could possibly get done. I am so relieved! The mind is a funny thing--mine is my own worst enemy. The stress I put myself through because of my anxiety is indescribable. Not only did I make it through this day, but the day itself was not nearly as bad as I had anticipated it to be. I think I do that to myself so that my expectations are really low--then when my expectations are exceeded, things are good. It's the torture that comes with worrying about it. I hate that I worry. I don't want to be that way. My problems are nothing compared to some. It's dumb and wasted energy.

Now I just need to move on to the next hurdle. Look out, here I go!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2009-03-28T19:27:00.002-06:00

Wow--it has literally been a busy week or two since I last posted. I have found I am really a home-body and don't wish to go anywhere once I get home, but unfortunately I don't have that luxury. Luckily, my girls only have gymnastics twice a week. I don't know how these parents do it that have to take their kids to baseball practice every night, or therapy most days of the week.

I have felt a strain on my relationships lately because I have been so busy, and I hope some of it is just me--I hope my family hasn't noticed the strain. I really feel pulled in so many directions, and I know I put the stress on myself, but I really hate that feeling. No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and I know there are so many out there who have it so much worse than me. I'm not complaining, just concerned that my actions, busy-ness and words might hurt the people around me.

I think the worst thing you can do in times like these is to isolate yourself, and I sometimes have a tendency to do that. . . so I'm trying my best!

History

2009-03-15T21:15:00.002-06:00

I was going through some of my dad's old movies tonight. It is so, um, surreal maybe is the right word, to see his handwriting and look at some of the things he filmed. There are notes on most of the reels that say funny thinks like "Pole Climbers" and "Katie walking into Trailer" or "Rob with sucker". Some are funny, like "Brad sticking out tongue" or "Brad teasing Katie", and some are serious like "Grandpa Cole's Funeral". Then there is a historic one that says, "Kennedy at Fairgrounds" which gives me the chills just reading it and typing it. They start in 1954 and go up to 1979. There are even two reels of film that are empty. I would love to see if there was a way I could film the girls on those, but I have no idea if anybody would even be able to develop those. Some of the films are in tin canisters labeled either Wards orKasper's Photo Shop. Most of them are in small boxes, about 3" by 3", with postmarks from Chicago, New York or Hollywood, California.

If you think about it, there might only be one major historic film included in this box of memories, but in a way all of it is history. It's all the history of my family, seen mostly through my father's eyes, which makes it all that much more valuable to me.

Sensational Kids

2009-03-13T15:38:00.002-06:00

Sydney had a doctor's appointment today--another follow-up for the weird warts she has. They are starting to get better--they have spread some, but even the new ones are starting to look dried up, so that was all good. She also has a boil on her arm, for which the doctor prescribed an antibiotic cream. She has had it almost 3 weeks I would guess. It got really big, but it has shrunk and now has a scab on it, which is good. I also spoke with the doctor about Sydney's "sensory" issues. I have always noticed that Sydney has certain sensitivities-mainly with noise and touch (socks and jeans issue). The doctor said (and Marlene had already told me this) that Sydney probably has some hypersensitivity to noise and touch, and recommended I read a book called "Sensational Kids". She said her daughter has a lot of the same issues, and they ended up doing an Occupational Therapy evaluation, and she sees an OT for her sensory issues. She told me after I read the book to talk to her and let her know what specific 'symptoms' Sydney demonstrates, and then we can go from there. She said the sad thing is she didn't learn anything about this in medical school--it all came about from the research she has done after seeing her own daughter have melt-downs and issues with senses--mainly auditory. She said she has a few children in her practice that have this. She also said we are catching it at the perfect time--where we can help her before she starts school.

Thank you Marlene for helping me to understand this, and thank you Dr. Heidi for being such a great doctor. I am very blessed.

Sad Day

2009-03-11T19:30:00.003-06:00

Mom called this afternoon to say that my brother-in-law's mother Phyllis passed away. We've known for weeks it was coming, but it still made me cry--made me sad. I am sad for Ryan who has such a big heart and is such a softie. This will hit him hard. I am sad for Sarah because she and Phyllis spent a lot of time together and had a special relationship. I am sad for Roger who now has no parents left on this earth. I am sad for the whole family and am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers, as trite as that sounds.

Take care Kern family--I love you--let me know what I can do to help.

Happy Birthday Sydney!

2009-02-27T21:51:00.003-07:00

Five years ago today, I was in my hospital room holding my brand-new baby girl. It was snowing a lot like it did today, and my sister came to stay with me--even though she was spending time with her friends scrapbooking. Kory had gone home with Morgan. I remember we dressed Sydney all up in one of her new outfits, and the really sweet nurse took her out of my room so I could get some rest, and she got a really cute picture of Sydney. On the way home from the hospital, I remember Morgan saying, "Good thing she wasn't a boy, or we would have had to leave him at the hospital!" Wow that doesn't seem like all that long ago, and then again it does. . .now she's my little 5 year old that can't wait to go to kindergarten!

Happy Birthday my dear little girl! I love you so much!!

Interview with God

2009-02-13T09:17:00.002-07:00

This was sent to me by a friend and former co-worker--so great for a Friday!!

View The InterviewWithGod presentation at http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com or learn Internet Marketing here."

Cold is a Relative Thing. . .

2009-02-03T08:47:00.002-07:00

I just got this e-mail from a lady I work with. I love it! Enjoy!

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. . . . . . ..

65 above: Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Montana plant gardens.

60 above: Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Montana sunbathe.

50 above: Italian & English carswon't start.
People in Montana drive with the windows down.

40 above: Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, woolhats.
People in Montana throw on a flannelshirt.

35 above : New York landlords finally turn upthe heat.
People in Montana have the last cookout before it getscold.

20 above: People in Miami all die.
Montanans close the windows.

Zero: Californians fly away to Mexico ..
People in Montana get out their winter coats.

10 below: Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Montana are selling cookies door to door.

20 below: Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Montana let the dogs sleep indoors.

30 below: Santa Claus abandons the NorthPole.
Montanans get upset because their Snow-mobiles are hard to start.

40 below: ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Montana start saying...'Cold enough fer ya?'

50 below: Hell freezes over.
Montana public schools will open 2 hours late.

Accountability

2009-02-02T13:41:00.002-07:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted! I have no valid excuses.

Something in an e-mail I received today sparked me to post. I've been hearing a lot about accountability lately. . . at dinner with my sisters and Mom, at lunch today, in the news. . . and I think about it a lot at times. I just wish people would realize that their actions do not just affect themselves, and other peoples' actions do not have to affect us quite as much as WE ALLOW THEM TO! So here's a part of the e-mail I received today. It's from Nan Russell from a series of articles she calls "In the Scheme of Things".

"In second-day clothes after a canceled flight, we used the provided kits to brush our teeth and create some semblance of presentability for this unexpected stay. Working from a darkened hallway after room check-out, we waited for the evening shuttle to take us back to the airport, hoping for a positive outcome during this winter blast.
When we arrived finally at our destination, we were anxious to collect our luggage and head home for warm showers. But we found ourselves waiting in a line - this time to report missing luggage.
What happened next startled me. I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between a father and his college age daughter behind me. She was joining her family for a week's snowboarding vacation and her overstuffed snowboard bag had arrived but her suitcase hadn't. Turns out, she'd left that morning from the east coast and her bag had something in it she wanted to wear that evening. So she was whining a bit about the inconvenience.
But it was her father who focused the conversation. Reminiscing with his daughter about tidbits from past travel mishaps, it was clear that this dad was used to escalating his outrage until he got what he wanted. Ranting about the inefficiencies of small-town airports and incompetent airline employees, his venomous words fueled their plan.
"Maybe you should do what you did in St. Thomas" she suggested, offering to start the process by demonstrating her dismay to the agent first. "I can cry if you want," she offered. "No," he said. "Let me handle it. I'm in the mood to let someone have it and at least get you a free ticket or at some vouchers."
It wasn't their frustration over displaced baggage that surprised me; it was their calculating approach to an unintentional mishap. They viewed this incident as an opportunity to "get something." For the rest of us and the harried agent, their actions "gave something" - a bout of toxic emotions into our environment.
It's funny, that same afternoon in the darkened hotel hallway while catching up on email, I'd read a daily mediation about actions. "All things are important - they all count," it reminded.
I believe that's true. Our actions and words have a ripple effect. On the positive side, you never know when a seed you plant or the behavior you demonstrate may be someone else's inspiration. On the less than positive side, how many generations of this family or others like them, will act like victims spewing negativity into a collective world over minor incidents.
In the scheme of things, our actions do count. And it's the positive everyday ones that give most of us a way to contribute to and mold the kind of world we want to live in. This incident served as a reminder to me - the world needs a lot more of our help on the positive side."

It certainly gives me something to think about. . . one of my friends posted something on facebook saying, "Today I'm going to be 80/20 instead of 20/80" Somebody asked her what it meant, and she said, "I'm going to try to be 80% positive instead of 80% negative." I love it. I think we should all give it a try and see how it not only affects ourselves but the people around us as well!

I Pledge. . .

2009-01-24T16:50:00.005-07:00

I saw this video the other day on msn.com, and I thought it was pretty cool. I don't usually talk about politics in public much, but after hearing that Rush Limbaugh told his listeners to do everything they could to make our new president fail, I thought that was extremely unamerican and unpatriotic of him. Does he want this country to fail or does he want this country to succeed? Anyway, I thought this video spoke volumes. . . whether or not you voted for President Obama, I feel it is every citizens duty to do what they can to help out--even if it is in a small way. Check it out. . .

I Pledge

My New Addiction

2009-01-15T19:55:00.002-07:00

It should be organizing, or playing with my new iPod, or scanning my negatives, or doing laundry (now THAT's funny!), but it's not. It's called Facebook. I love it. It is so fun! I go a little overboard at times--I now have 40 friends. Most of them are people I went to high school with, but some of them are people Kory went to high school with (they're the ones that found me on there), some are just old friends, and some a co-workers. It lets me know what they've been up to, and every week I have new friends that I don't talk to often enough. LOVE IT!! If you haven't joined yet, you should--then I can kidnap you! You'll never know until you join!

Organization/Organizing/Organized. . . whatever

2009-01-10T11:22:00.005-07:00

I was reading my sister's and cousin's cool blogs trying to think of something to write about. I could not get my thoughts organized. I had their blogs stuck in my head. My sister writes about something she holds very near and dear to her heart. It affects her whole life every day, and her words are profound. My cousin writes about her photography, which is an amazing talent, and the words she uses to describe the photographs are passionate and have so much heart. I sit here, logged into my blog, trying to organize my thoughts, and I am critical of myself as I don't have the talents they have. Their blogs have a purpose, a meaning. Mine is a bunch of gobbledy-gook that I type when I feel like it. "BUT," I say to myself, "It's MY gobbledy-gook, so OWN IT!" It's at this point that I happen to look up at the hanging light above my table--gross--I can see bugs in it. The kitchen table I am sitting at has glue and tape and school papers from Morgan's school project, along with catalogs and mail, and Morgan's new American Girl doll. Errr--it frustrates me, as just last weekend I had the table completely cleared and I cleaned and shined it all up. "A Place for Everything and Everything in Its Place." That is DEFINITELY NOT the quote that describes this household. Now that my thoughts are organized because of my frustration, maybe I can actually write something interesting like the other blogs I read. . . or not. . .

I told myself today I was going to do some organizing. Whether I get very much done doesn't matter--just do something I tell myself. Instead, I got on the computer. Bad idea. Then I don't want to get off. You see, I'm overwhelmed by all the organizing I need to do. Believe me, I have had the best of intentions for YEARS (I'm ashamed to say how many years). Because I have so much to do, I set my goals too high. So, today, my goal is not high--anything I get done will help me feel good about it. In the past, I would buy all these cool plastic organization thingies--boxes, shelving units, etc, etc, and I would have all the cool 'stuff' to get it done, and I would start, and get overwhelmed, and then I would quit and be disappointed because I didn't reach my unobtainable goal of getting everything done in one day, weekend, month, etc. and to top it all off I have wasted money on "thingies". More disappointment. I love watching the shows on TV like Clean Sweep where a whole team comes in and makes you go through your stuff and either keep, toss or sell things. Then the team re-does 2 rooms and magically transforms them and organizes your stuff. I think to myself, "Hey I could do that!" (Who do I think I am, "Magic Organizer Woman" with no kids and nothing to do? More like "Delusional Woman".) You see, I am really good at setting myself up for failure. Granted, it's not life threatening, and I won't lose my job over it or my family, but it does take me down a few notches, and I get upset, frustrated, depressed, you name it. Dumb huh? Plus, there's this other issue, of which I get REALLY cranky about--I can go about organizing and do a great job and feel good about myself, but there are 3 other people in this household who don't feel the accomplishment about it like I do, and quite frankly they don't really care about my organizing. They have other priorities. So, when I get things organized, they very quickly (and maddeningly--to me) undo everything I've completed in a matter of days. I'm not saying it's intentional, but they just don't really think about it. When I went through and organized the toy room, I put labels on the cool clear plastic drawer sets that were in there so they knew that one drawer was for Polly Pockets, one drawer was for Barbie's and Bratz dolls and the other drawer was for their clothes. Well, you should see it now. Most everything has been thrown into bins, and forget about trying to find something down there. I guess at least it's picked up, right? But, I feel that all my hard work was just washed down the drain. Why organize? That's the attitude I have after leaving that room trying to find something. And then I'm cranky.

So, I've decided, in this moment, this day, the best I can do is try to keep MY own stuff organized and not sweat about the stuff over which I have no control. How's that for a New Year's Resolution? Maybe I'm setting myself up for failure yet again. . . .

P.S. Please note the sarcasm in this post--it's not all serious! Some of it is meant to be humorous. I came back and re-read and thought it sounded kinda, well really, negative, and that is not my intention. :-)

Something So Small. . .

2009-01-07T08:03:00.004-07:00

. . . can really snap you out of your fog. This morning, as we were leaving for day care, Syd spotted my dad's bowling trophy. She said, "Mama, what's that trophy for?" I said, "My dad won it--it's a bowling trophy." "How did he win it?" she asked. I said, "He was in a bowling tournament and did really good and so he got a trophy." She then said, "Did he get a lot of strikes?" I wondered to myself how she would know that you have to get a lot of strikes to win at bowling, but then I remembered she likes the bowling game on our Wii. "Yes Sydney, he did get a lot of strikes," I said. "Was he a good bowler?" Yes Syd, he was. . . Ahhh-that little moment made my whole day. Just a simple little question from her turned into a little sweet moment.

Christmas is over. . .

2008-12-29T21:52:00.003-07:00

Honestly I am not a fan of cleaning, but it feels good to get something done! Kory's niece is here to watch the girls this week since there's no day care or Boys and Girls club at school, so I HAD to get the spare bedroom cleaned for her so she could actually have a bed to sleep on and some space in the closet. Well a few hours later and a few (okay 7) bags of clothes, I got it cleaned--I have 4 bags of little girl clothes in there waiting to give to my niece Katelyn--yikes! I threw away some old clothes of mine--and some of the girls' old clothes that were stained or just worn out. That felt good! Now if I can just get to working on the 'being organized' thing!

The girls are VERY excited to have Heather here. They think she's pretty cool, and she is really good with them--and she's kicking all of our butts at Guitar Hero!! LOL. . .

Kory's parents got me a cool thing (because I can't think of another word to describe it) that converts 35mm negatives into 5 megapixel digital files--I don't even need to hook it up to my computer--it will store them on a little SD memory card. Yayy! That's a huge project though. I have a TON of negatives. But it will be nice to have those all converted. I'm excited to get started on it.

The girls had a great Christmas. I got up at 7:30 thinking I could sneak downstairs and get the video camera set up and started before they woke up. . . well, thanks to Zoe who has to shake first thing in the morning and wake everybody up, Sydney woke up. So I told her to stay upstairs because I wanted to get their reactions on the video. . . well then Morgan was up, so I had to tell them to go wake up their dad. So, I got it going and let them come downstairs. They were soooo excited! I will have to post a clip of the video. I haven't even watched it yet, but I bet it's cute. Morgan ripped through her presents really quickly, but Syd took her time wanting to play with things as she got them opened. Pretty sweet. Santa left a note, drank the milk, ate the cookies and fed the carrots to his reindeer. He even left a few of the crumbs on the plate.

Well tonight there was rain mixed with snow when I left the grocery store--and lots of wind. I got drenched trying to load the groceries into the car and put the shopping cart away. Ugh. Tomorrow morning should be fun on the roads.

Sydney's Christmas Program

2008-12-24T13:55:00.002-07:00

Here is Sydney and some of her little friends singing "Silent Night" at their preschool Christmas program. . . they are doing sign language to it as well! So cute. . .

Morgan's Christmas Program

2008-12-24T13:53:00.001-07:00

Here is a video from Morgan's Christmas Program at school. The song is called "Santa Needs a Vacation". . . Enjoy!

Only Three More Days Until Christmas!

2008-12-22T22:06:00.004-07:00

That is what my girls have said over and over tonight. They say it with enthusiasm, I say it with dread. Dread because I'm not sure I am done with my shopping. Dread because every time I turn around I think of another person I forgot to send a Christmas card to. Dread because I still haven't gone grocery shopping for whatever it is I am going to make to take to my sister's on Christmas. Dread because it's cold and snowing. Dread because tomorrow is Syd's Christmas program, and I'm worried she will throw a fit in the morning because her dress will be too itchy or her socks will be bugging her. Dread because I still don't know why I'm having these terrible pains in my back even after having a CT scan to check for kidney stones. Dread because I'm not sure I have enough work done before I take a few days off. Oh I could go on and on--well I guess I already did. But, that's not how I want to feel right now. . . I want to get back that feeling I had when I was little and it seemed like FOREVER until Christmas got here. . .

So, I will put a more positive spin on things. . . I'm excited to see the girls' faces and hear their (hopefully!) squeals Thursday morning when they open their presents. I'm excited that the stress of the holiday will be over by then. I'm excited to open my own presents--yes I'm like a little kid as well--I can't stand not knowing what's in those boxes under the Christmas tree. I'm excited to go to Syd's program and have some time off of work. I'm excited that Christmas dinner is not at my house.

Pretty sad I can come up with more items of dread than excitement huh? Does that tell you what kind of frame of mind I am in? I will try tomorrow to be more positive. . . because then it will only be TWO more days until Christmas, and I will have even less time to know if I have the same number of presents for the girls. . . oh goodness here I go again. I'm going to bed and not going to think about this stuff!!!

Dress a Child

2008-12-13T12:18:00.002-07:00

A friend of mine at work sent out an e-mail the other day needing some Santa's Helpers to meet at the local K-Mart to help with Dress a Child. I thought about it, put the e-mail aside, and thought I would wait until the following morning to give myself time to think about it. Well, I decided that I should do it. The only reason I didn't want to do it is because it is so easy to sit back and not think about the children in this world who don't have very much. Most days I enjoy living in denial. I decided I needed to push myself out of my comfort zone and just go--yes I would have to miss sleeping in on Saturday to be at the local K-Mart at 7 a.m., but it was the least I could do. So, I got up early this morning and headed to K-Mart while the rest of the family slept. My friend Susan had parked right next to me, so we walked in together, found where we needed to be, and I got my name tag and waited for my child. I got a little boy named Tarig who was 10--totally outside of my comfort zone! I haven't been around 10 year-old boys for 8 years (since my twin nephews were 10)! Okay--away we go. We got our list, and I had heard that the shoe aisle was the craziest, so we got our shopping cart and headed straight to the shoe aisle to get that part overwith. Tarig was cute--light brown curly hair--kinda shaggy like the boys wear it these days (doesn't that make me sound old?) but cute. I could tell he was trying to be 'cool'. He wasn't very talkative at first, so I tried to joke around a little bit to lighten things up. He found some cool shoes that he liked, so we headed to the boys clothes--I had no idea where that was since I have no boys, so I had to ask somebody--and off we went. We found a shirt that came with a cool stocking hat, then we found some jeans that he liked because the belt was cool--then we went back to the shoes because we forgot snow boots--found those, then back to the boys section because he needed a coat. Oops! Okay so I'm new at this. We couldn't find a coat that he liked, and luckily his mom was nearby and said he was really picky about coats and didn't like them to be very thick. Well luckily we found a really nice black wool coat with quilted lining, and when he put it on, it looked so nice on him--I told him he looked handsome--his mom asked him if he wanted to check it out in the mirror first, and he said no, pointed at me, and said "she said it looked good, so I don't need a mirror". Too cute! Then he needed some underwear, and I felt so bad for him because I could tell he was a little embarrassed--I would have been when I was little shopping with a complete stranger for underwear! But, we found some, then found some under-shirts--tank tops--then some gloves. Then I found out that we could go over the $100 limit as long as we were okay with paying the extra, so we went back and got a few more t-shirts and then stood in line waiting to check out. I told him he could go stand by his mom if he wanted to, but he said he wanted to stay in line with me. Oh how sweet. We chatted about Britney Spears and how much he didn't like her and her fake hair (his words). We were in line for quite a while, chatting it up. We got all done, took him to where his mom and siblings were standing (his siblings and cousins got to shop as well), and his mom told him to give me a hug--oh boy that has got to be one of the best hugs ever. He squeezed me so tight--I nearly cried. His mom had tears in her eyes most of the morning. For trying to be so 'cool', he really warmed up to me and made my whole day--my whole holiday really. I will do this again in a heartbeat, no matter how hectic and crazy, this shows me what Christmas is all about. I usually pick and angel off one of the trees and buy gifts, but I have to admit it's much more fun interacting with a child and letting them pick out the clothes they want. I wish I would have gone back and bought him more things, but I was so caught up in the moment that I wasn't even thinking. I think I'll call his school and see if it's okay to deliver some packages for him there.

Thank you to my dear friend Susan for giving me this opportunity. You can sign me up for next year!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2008-11-26T16:26:00.002-07:00

Ah yes, the smell of giblets cooking on the stove. . . I had that today. . . with my mom. She came over to help me get the turkeys ready for tomorrow and get the giblets cooked and ready for the stuffing. She did that last year too--I still have so much to learn! The cooking is the easy part--of course our three turkeys were still partway frozen, but that was okay. We are frying 2 and baking one so that we can still have gravy and good dressing that soaks up all the fat while it's cooking inside the turkey--oh and leftovers for everybody because there is nothing like Thanksgiving leftovers. My whole family will be over--all 18 of us (I had to sit here and count that on my fingers as I can never remember how many of us there is!). I still have my sausage dressing to make tonight--I'll bake that tomorrow. Then there's the 10 pounds of potatoes to peel. I have to find the little knife my Grandma Liz gave me a long time ago--it's the best potato peeling knife I have and one of my favorite things she gave me--probably because it was brand new when she gave it to me, and my sisters both got something from the second hand store that Christmas (tee hee). All in all it will be a fun day with lots of noise and activity. Yayy!!! Happy Thanksgiving to Everybody!!!!!!

Morgan's Gymnastics Meet

2008-11-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

U.S.A. is a Free Country

2008-11-12T18:55:00.004-07:00

Morgan (8) was given an assignment today in class. The students were to write a letter to somebody they knew who had been in a war. Morgan asked if the person could be dead, and the teacher said no. So, Morgan wrote a letter to Callie that taught her preschool and is now Syd's preschool teacher. The letters were to go in a box. She then decided she was going to write a letter to her Grandpa Ed, my dad, and bring it home to put on his grave. She drew an American flag at the top of the letter with the words "U.S.A. is a Free Country" written on the flag. The letter says:

Dear Papa Ed,
My name is Morgan and I am 8 years old and a third grader at Lockwood School. My little sister is Sydney and at age 4, and only a preschooler. It is the year 2008 and we all really miss you, but thank you for fighting in the war and trying to earn us a free country. I really wanted to see you. We just had election against McCain and Obama. Who would you vote for?

Love,

Morgan

How sweet is that? She even drew hearts by her name. When she came home she told me the story. I told her we could certainly go visit Papa Ed's grave, and then I said she's not supposed to make me cry when she gets home from school. . .

She really knows how to touch my heart. . .

Alone

2008-11-12T12:56:00.003-07:00

I just had lunch with my mom. I always feel so sad leaving her--I want to bring her to work with me so she is not alone. I know she has grown "accustomed" to living alone, but I know at times "accustomed" does not mean "content". I think at times she is content, but I think lately it's been less often. She told me the other day that she has been really down lately. The cancer, surgery and treatment have been really hard on her, as they would be on anybody, but moreso because she goes home alone. She really misses Dad. Yesterday was Veterans' Day, and she said she cried a few times during the ceremony at the cemetery.

I am a fixer. I want to be able to 'fix' things or situations. Maybe it's a control thing for me, I don't know. How do you 'fix' loneliness when somebody's spouse of almost 50 years is gone, when the person you've lived with everyday since you were 18 years old is no longer there? There is no fix. I know that, but I don't believe it. I want to fix it, but I can't. The only thing I can do is talk to her every day on the phone, try to spend some time with her and make sure I am here for her. Besides, I can't replace what was once there and is now gone, but I can do what I am already doing and what my brother and sisters are doing, and that's be here for her.

One more Halloween post

2008-11-07T18:10:00.002-07:00

So here's me on Halloween. . . at least I was KINDA in the spirit!!

Another week. . .

2008-11-07T17:42:00.004-07:00

. . . over and gone. Pretty sad that I wish them away while I'm at work. Here's a couple small stories from this week. . .

We got the girls flu shots (actually the flu-mist) on Tuesday night at the school. Syd still freaked out. Actually, let me clarify. When I say freaked out, I mean FREAKED out--crying and SCREAMING!! And she hadn't even gotten the squirt in her nose yet. I knew I would get a reaction like this whether I told her ahead of time or just before the shot. I know the nurse who gave it to her (it's a squirt in the nose) was not happy (and she's a co-worker). She made some comment about how I should have told Syd about it ahead of time or something like that which really irked me. . . but the funny part was that after I talked Syd into doing it (she could have had a shot instead!), I put her on my lap, and the nurse said to lay her back, so I did. The nurse then stuck her hand on Syd's forehead and sprayed the vaccine into her nostril. Syd hated it and squirmed and was. . .well. . . ticked to put it mildly!! Syd tried to sit up and brushed (okay shoved) the nurse's hand off her forehead and yelled "Get off me!!!" I didn't laugh about this until later--I was still processing the comment from the nurse. It's a wonder Syd let her spray it into her second nostril. When it was all done, Syd was absolutely fine--like nothing happened. Errr. The joys. . . at least I can laugh about it now!

So we bought Guitar Hero Aerosmith this week. Morgan LOVES it. She can't get enough of it. And she does the same song over and over. I told her "I Hate Myself for Loving You" is permanently etched into my brain. Well, she conveniently forgot she had homework last night until it was time for bed. So, I made her stay up and do it, and now she can't play video games tonight. We'll see how well this goes over. She's always super tired on Fridays, and if she didn't eat well today, it will be worse. More fun!!

Oh, and besides the fact that Syd would eat oatmeal for every meal, just like my dad, the other night she shook her fist at me! That's what my dad used to do, and his mom used to do that too. I remember shaking my fist at Grandma Blaesius once when I was little--one of very few memories I have of her--and she laughed. So, I told Syd that Papa Ed has now taken over her body. First the oatmeal, now the fist. It was just too cute.

Halloween Night

2008-11-01T11:22:00.005-06:00

Here are the girls in their Halloween costumes. Morgan got to take hers to school and wear it at Boys and Girls club for their party. One of the gals there helped her with her makeup. Then when we got to Mom's after I picked the girls up, I added to it so it showed up more for night time. I had to make her glamorous since she was Sharpay from High School Musical!!! Syd was a Kitty again--she couldn't wait to get her nose and whiskers drawn on her. Mom was excited to see the girls and got a kick out of the fact that Morgan said we HAD to go to Grandma's for Halloween because it was a tradition! That really touched my heart. After Grandma's, we found Jared and Kate trick-or-treating and stopped to see them. Of course Syd was scared. Then we went home so Morgan's friend could come over and they could go trick-or-treating together. After Kylie got to our house, I joined the girls and Kylie's mom (and Syd) to walk throughout the neighborhood. Well, let me tell you, Syd is not a trick-or-treater. It didn't help that she forgot her bucket--that threw her off right away. We got to the first house across the street, she went up to the door with her sister and Kylie, and when Morgan said, "Syd, where's your bucket?" and the guy answered the door at the same time, she freaked. She came running down the stairs and cried. . . so Morgan got candy for her, which was brave in and of itself for her to ask somebody for something extra. I was proud of her. Kylie's mom ran back to our house to get Syd's bucket, so we were off. Then Syd started crying and said she was scared--well there was a big group of kids in front of us all dressed up, and I think that scared her. She did calm down a little bit because I was trying to make her laugh--but then something spooked her and she said she wanted to go home--I think it was the fact that the big group of kids was now behind us as we were walking down the street. So, Kylie's mom went off with Morgan and Kylie, and me and Syd went home. Instantly as we were walking home she was happier. I guess it was just too much for her. The minute we got home, rather than wanting to eat any candy, she wanted oatmeal. I think I have the only child on earth that would rather have oatmeal than candy on Halloween. She is definitely a product of her Grandpa Ed. :-) That makes me smile.

Morgan got home about an hour later all excited with all the goodies she collected--she even got 2 cans of pop! I think she opened one, took a sip, then decided she wanted water. It's still sitting on the counter this morning! Morgan fell asleep on the couch at about 9:30 after saying she wanted to stay up until midnight.

I think we had about 50 kids--some really small--so cute. . . I kinda like answering the door on Halloween. . . I think that should be a new tradition. . .

Happy Halloween!!

2008-10-26T20:46:00.000-06:00

I know it's early, but we carved pumpkins today, so I had to post this picture. The girls were so excited. I had to take a picture of them all scary and glowing. I am soaking the pumpkin seeds overnight in salt water to roast tomorrow. I have never done it before. Hopefully they turn out good! I remember the neighbor girls having pumpkin seeds when we were little and I thought they were so good, so I thought I would try it. I will probably be the only one to eat them, but I figured it's worth a shot!

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Halloween!!!

A Few More Days

2008-10-19T12:33:00.002-06:00

I just need a few more days to be home with my girls I decided. This weekend was teachers' convention, so I was fortunate enough to have Thursday and Friday off to spend with the girls. Thursday we spent having lunch and spending the afternoon with my friend and her two daughters who are very good friends with my girls. That was great fun. Then Thursday evening we met up with Kory's cousin, wife and their kids who came down from Chinook MT. LOVE talking to them. They are good people.

Friday we put some flowers and little pumpkins on Dad's grave--I think this is the first time the girls have seen it--well I should say that Morgan has seen it up close. Syd wanted to stay in the van, so Morgan walked with me and we placed the flowers on his grave and talked about what the Purple Heart and Bronze Star Medal meant that are engraved on his headstone. On the way back to the van, Morgan realized how special her grandfather was as she did not see any other headstones with "BSM" engraved on them, and very few with "Purple Heart" on them. I then drove the girls by my grandparents graves. Then we picked up Mom and went to Build-a-Bear so Morgan could get her asthma/allergy safe bear. Very cute. Sydney got an elephant. Then we took Mom to lunch and went back to her house for a while and let the girls play. What a lovely day! That night, instead of scrapbooking as I had planned, I decided to go to the rodeo with Kory and the girls. We were meeting Kory's cousin and his family there. Syd was freaked when we walked into the arena--before even getting to her seats. Too much noise, too many people, plus clowns. By the time we got to our seats, she had seen a cowboy riding bareback on a bucking horse, and she was cheering and was hooked. It was great to see. Morgan cheered and would cover her mouth and gasp if it looked like somebody was going to get hurt. They thoroughly enjoyed it and want to go again very soon! So, we will be keeping our eyes peeled for rodeos.

The rest of the weekend has been great as well. We went to a wedding reception last night for a gal I work with, and it was lots of fun. We got a sitter for the girls and just had some us time surrounded by friends.

Once again, it's back to reality.

Snow Pictures

2008-10-12T16:57:00.001-06:00

More Snow in Montana

2008-10-12T16:18:00.000-06:00

The Snowman

2008-10-11T15:03:00.002-06:00

One more picture from today. . .

Fall in Montana

2008-10-11T11:07:00.004-06:00

Most of the people who read my blog live here, so this will not be news to them, but to those of you who don't live in Montana, this blog is for you! Hopefully you saw the picture of the flower in the bush whose leaves are changing color (a couple of posts down). . . that was taken the weekend of October 4th. Here's a couple more pictures I took that weekend. . .

Here's what, one weekend later, our weather is doing. . .

The weather forecasters are saying we can get up to 24" by Monday.

Girls in my Circle

2008-10-08T21:31:00.002-06:00

I received this from a friend today and thought I would put it on my blog. It is so true. . . thank you to all of you in my circle. I'm so thankful you are a part of it!!!

When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend, and then I started to become a woman. Then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up, God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man. Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom. Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities. Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be. One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,'Another , 'Let's fight together,' Another , 'Let's walk away together.'

One friend will meet your spiritual need,Another your shoe fetish,Another your love for movies, Another will be with you in your season of confusion,Another will be your clarifier, Another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,On whatever the occasion,On whatever the day, Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back, Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself .... Those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it's wrapped up in several.. One from 7th grade,One from high school, Several from the college years, a couple from old jobs,On some days your mother, On some days your neighbour,On others, your sisters,And on some days, your daughters.

THANKS FOR BEING IN MY CIRCLE!

2008-10-05T19:37:00.000-06:00

We went camping this weekend--our last camping trip for the year. I'm so sad. But we had such a great time. There was this one flower still blooming on this bush where the leaves were all changing color--it was gorgeous, so I had to take a picture. So, until next spring, no more camping pictures. . . . *sniff*

Oh to be Camping!!

2008-10-03T09:17:00.004-06:00

That's what I have on my license plates--not exactly, but abbreviated. . . and guess what? I (er, we) get to go camping this weekend! Now I know for CERTAIN that this will be our last outing of 2008 as the weather is supposed to turn cold sometime tomorrow. But, we are going to a KOA with electricity AND an indoor swimming pool! I can't wait. We're leaving tonight and we cleaned and cleaned and packed last night just so we can go. I'm beside myself with excitement. It doesn't take much for me to get excited about something. Especially camping. I just love how relaxing and fun it is. I can't describe it very well. The girls--and Kory I think too--are also excited. And if it rains, I will sleep that much better with the sound of the rain on the camper.

It's been a hell of a week at work. The auditors came in for their initial interviews, and then next week they will be doing audits of some of our processes. I hate these annual audits. I've been through 13 of just this type of audit (one per year) and countless other kinds of audits involving Medicare, Medicaid, the State, Work Comp, and once even the FBI!! They suck because it pretty much falls on my to coordinate them and answer their questions and get the documentation for them and make any suggested changes. I hate audits. And to top it off I've had employee issues this week. I hate being a supervisor. If I could give up the audit and supervising, I would be a happy little camper--well I'm sure I would still complain. . . especially when it comes to crunch time and I have to take work home. Okay, let's just say I'm struggling with going to work every day. Some days are better than others though. . . so I really am ready for a camping weekend to just get away.

Did I say I'm excited to go camping? :-)

What's Up With This?

2008-09-28T21:07:00.002-06:00

I found myself missing my dad today--not that I usually don't, but it's usually not like this. I can't really explain why. I believe everybody has their days--some have meaning to them like a birthday or holiday, but why today? Mom goes through days like this too--I guess we all do. I can't think of anything significant on September 28th. Maybe it's just the time of the month and I'm a little bluesy. Maybe I'm tired. I really don't know. . . I hate days like this. I tried to put it away--went shopping with my friend and her mom at the new Kohl's store--that was fun. But it was just a temporary fix to deal with my blues. I stripped the caulking off my bathtub and re-did it, watched tv, washed my car, played with Zoe, went for a drive. . . still there.

Tomorrow Morgan goes in for her first round of allergy testing. I am not looking forward to it, but she's usually pretty tough for the doctors and nurses--I hope she will be tomorrow. It's just little scratches, so hopefully she'll do okay. Kory gets to take her on Tuesday.

I guess I'll just let the sadness be there, and eventually it will subside--it always does.

It's over. . .

2008-09-27T22:14:00.003-06:00

Mom's radiation treatments are all done. She is pretty burned but very very happy to be done with that. We had a little surprise party for her on Friday. She started to cry when her one neighbor and really good friend showed up. She was truly surprised. We toasted with iced tea. I told her it was just one more hurdle that she overcame. The staff at the cancer center all gave her hugs on her last day, and that meant a lot to her.

What I Cannot Change

2008-09-08T20:24:00.006-06:00

My new favorite song. . . I can so relate to this in so many ways. . .

Baby Deer

2008-09-07T17:39:00.003-06:00

There was a baby deer in our yard today (still small but the spots were gone). . . we spotted it while cleaning out the girls' closet, so Sydney said, "Mom, take a picture!" so I found the camera and got a couple quick shots of it. It was a baby and couldn't figure out how to get out of our yard. I finally went outside (made Zoe stay in!) and tried to tiptoe over to the gate to let it out, and then it figured out how to jump and get out the way it came in.

Morgan and Sydney wanted to keep it. Syd named it "Shirley" and Morgan named it "Jennifer".

Hunting Season

2008-09-06T19:33:00.003-06:00

Hunting season is once again upon us. It doesn't suck like it used to. In fact, this year I was ready for it to come. . . ready for a break. I think Kory needed it too. After camping and summer and being so danged tired of being tired and busy, it was time. Kory hasn't been feeling the best for about a month now, and the house is a mess, and I am cranky-ish, so it is a good thing. I got to spend time with my sister and her family last night--what fun. No Kory around wanting to go home--it was just us--and we got to visit and just be. That is a luxury I think. Although I didn't sleep well last night. . . I was a little bit nervous--didn't even turn my fan on so I could hear if the girls were scared or sad or if some crazy intruder might bust into the house during the night (sucks to get home after dark with no lights on in the house!). Zoe laid at the top of the stairs for about 2 hours waiting for Kory to come home. She didn't like it. It was kinda sweet.

So I had all these plans for today--mainly clean out the girls' closet. Do you think I got it done? Heck no!! We went shopping and picked up a new toy for each of the girls and then picked up lunch and came home. Then I proceeded to sit on my hind end until about 6:00 when I decided we needed to go to the store to get cream for our new ice cream maker. Our friends got one and take it camping with us--it's soooo yummy! So, we bought one today, and I am sitting here listening to it (it's really loud!) and typing away. Actually it's drowning out the sound of the tv which would make my ADHD kick into high gear and then I wouldn't be able to type anything that made any sense (oh yeah--I do really think I am telling a better story right now-ha!).

It's been raining off and on today. In fact, at one point Zoe was still outside and it was really coming down. She had to come to the window downstairs and give me the most pathetic look and shake the water off of her so I would let her in. Whoops!

Mom is now half-way through her treatment. 16 more to go. She's doing fine, but really tired. I can tell it's wearing on her. The stitch on her one incision that was bothering her so bad finally disappeared, so that's good. She asked the nurse about it again, and the nurse looked and it was gone. She is a little burned, but the doctor said that's typical. She's been putting on the special lotion and aloe vera everyday, so she's very careful to follow everything she's been told.

Time to log on to the camping forums and chat it up with my online friends. They rock. They make me laugh and help me keep my sanity sometimes when I need it.

Maybe I'll do the closet tomorrow. . .

Labor Day Camping Trip

2008-09-02T20:25:00.002-06:00

I am sad. Actually kinda depressed. We had our last camping trip of the season this last weekend. We went to the KOA at Livingston, and we really had a great time. Nothing too exciting, but just nice to get away and yet be at a campground with running water and electricity. That's the best. I love our camper, and we had a good time with our friends. The campground was fun--drawings for little prizes every 1/2 hour (all my family won something except for me!) and then a fun 'almost midnight madness' sale at the little store. That actually ended up being on Monday morning because the storm on Sunday night knocked out the power. I felt really bad for the people in the camping cabins--no power, no candles, no heat--and so rainy. They probably all just ended up going to bed with lots of blankets to stay warm! And I can't even imagine staying in a tent in that weather--yuck! Luckily the power came back on at a little after midnight. The store held the sale on Monday morning with more prizes, and Morgan won --again--this year. The little lucky duck won last year too! And they give out some pretty cool prizes. My friend Jane and I got some really cool pictures of the snow clouds hanging over the mountains on Sunday night. I'll post some pictures hopefully tomorrow night.

We did go up into the mountains to a few of the remote campgrounds--we were going to take a hike, but changed our mind when we saw the bear signs everywhere. No thanks.

I hope everyone had a great labor day weekend as well.

First Day of School Jitters

2008-08-28T16:41:00.002-06:00

It's the first day of third grade, and I had the jitters worse than Morgan. I was okay until I sensed that she was a little apprehensive. We took Syd to day care, then I went to Burger King and got Morgan some breakfast (I know--not the healthiest, but at least she ate) and we went to the school. Kory met us there and had breakfast in the van with us. Well we didn't sit in the van for long. It was 7:25 and Morgan said, "I'm done" (school starts at 8) so in we went to meet her new teacher. She seemed very very nice. We put Morgan's stuff on her desk, found her locker, told Kory goodbye, and proceeded to the playground --not much of a playground at this point. Since they built a new middle school, the 3rd and 5th graders moved into the old middle school. As a result, they are on a playground with lines painted for some sort of games I suppose. They had basketballs and hula-hoops out for the kids, but no equipment until the principal can get some installed. No biggie to Morgan I guess. Anyway, Morgan stayed very close to me the entire time we were waiting for the whistle to blow so she could get her day started (more jitters for me). The kids were loud! Mostly the 5th graders were loud--both boys and girls. And there were hardly any parents there. I was kind of surprised. So the whistle blew and we made our way back around to the front of the building to stand in line. We said the pledge of allegiance and then the classes started heading inside. We had Morgan and her best friend separated this year--too many squabbles and 'girl' issues with competition and fighting--too much time spent together--let's hope this year is better. I kissed Morgan and she went inside--happy. Phew!

As I walked away, all I could think of is, "Please God let her have a good day and a good year." Not that last year was bad, but the teacher and I just never 'clicked' and the issues with the girls really got to me--probably more-so than Morgan. I left the school kinda sad--maybe more with a sense of meloncholy--wondering why the time has to go so fast. I had a hard time working today--hoping Morgan had a good day and that Syd wasn't too lonely without her big sister at day care. I was so happy when 2:20 rolled around and I could leave to go pick up Morgan.

I got to the school and waited for her class to be dismissed. She came out so happy--she said she had a wonderful day and it is going to be a great year. She made a new friend. She is excited to go to orientation tonight at the boys and girls club. Tomorrow will be her first day at the after school program there. So many changes. Mrs. Yasenak (Morgan's teacher) said "change is good" this morning while we were waiting in line. I agreed--yes change is good. But in my head I said, "is it really?" I'm not convinced. Maybe SOME change is good, I thought to myself.

I still have concerns about the girl thing--it is only the first day after all. One of Morgan's friends is in her class, but she is pretty influential, and another girl is already monopolizing her--so, we'll see. Jeremiah, the stalker boy from 1st grade is also in her class along with Madison--the bully from 1st grade. I am expecting challenges ahead so that I'm not disappointed, but hoping they don't happen. It's amazing how I can already see the 'cliques' at school--in 3rd grade. But I guess when you think about it, all our lives there are 'cliques' of some sort. It's who you are comfortable being around and who you have as friends. The good thing about Morgan is that she usually has friends wherever she goes--maybe to different degrees--but friends nonetheless.

Here's hoping we have a great year, just like Morgan said.

On another note, Sydney starts preschool on Tuesday. This year she has Miss Callie who we all love. Miss Callie was Morgan's first preschool teacher, and I attribute so much of Morgan's strengths in school to Miss Callie. We are so lucky. It IS going to be a good year.

The Genetic Counselor Appointment

2008-08-26T14:28:00.003-06:00

Mom had her appointment with the genetic testing counselor (I think that's what she's called). Anyway, sounds like good news, but we'll know more for sure later. Apparently they do a family history analysis first, then if Mom chooses, she can do the blood test. A friend of mine that had breast cancer did the genetic testing, as her biological mother (she was adopted) and the male twin of her biological mother both had breast cancer. Her results based on the family history were something like an 86% chance that her daughter would get breast cancer. Then when they did the blood test, it turned out that she did not carry the gene. She is certain that the replacement hormone therapy caused her breast cancer, and that's what I asked the doctor about Mom's cancer, but he quickly skirted that issue. Anyway, my sister went with Mom to the appointment, and here was her e-mail to me yesterday. . .

First I have to say that the genetic counselor lady was very nice and explained everything very well. After reviewing family history in depth and lots of discussion, she thought she would come out with a number of mom having the Breast Cancer gene to about 5% (she will have the final number later in a letter to mom). Cousins (like Anita) would probably be very likely to have it, especially if they had cancer. The number are that the general population normally has a 7% change of having breast cancer. If you have the gene (which can come from your father, as well as your mother), then you have up to a 66% chance. The fact that mom had it later in life and that none of her siblings or children have had any cancer is promising. Another fact is that the gene can affect Brad/Rob or our sons if they have it because they can be more likely to have prostrate cancer (and more aggressive).

The lady will put the information into a computer model, send a copy of the statistics to mom, and then they can have a follow-up discussion on it.

Mom did not feel worried about it. The lady said one course of action (if she were to have the gene), is that she would have aggressive testing (MRI’s and mammograms) and then the ovaries removed. An interesting fact on ovaries being removed is that they can do it lapriscoprically in most cases. (I have no idea how to spell that) That would make it less invasive if a person had to do that.

Any question…call me. I will see what I can remember. I got the booklet and DVD if anyone is interested in learning more about the testing.

Oh yeah..if you have the testing, you may not get dropped from health insurance, but buying life insurance may be more difficult. Just an FYI.

Interesting, huh? It seems the insurance companies get the last laugh anymore. . .

And still more pictures from vacation. . .

2008-08-23T20:48:00.003-06:00

This picture was taken at a sapphire mine. We bought each of the girls a bag of rocks for $10 and sifted through them to find sapphires and garnets. It was fun, but Syd was not very fond of it! And her bag had the most gems!!!
Tired Syd. . .
Ahhhhh--I miss this. . .

Can you tell I want to go back?

More pictures from vacation

2008-08-23T20:40:00.005-06:00

This was the coolest Carousel I have ever seen!! The girls loved it. We went into Helena twice, and we had to go to it both times!!
This was taken at Cemetery Island--Sydney loved it. It's an island at Canyon Ferry reservoir with a really really old cemetery on it. I believe the earliest grave was someone who died in the 1890's, but I can't remember for sure. It was really interesting to walk around and see the old headstones. There were even some headstones with people who died in the last 10 years. Must be family burial plots. This was the cemetery from the town that was named Canyon Ferry, and when they built the dam and filled the reservoir, this hilltop became an island.

Pictures from Vacation

2008-08-23T20:22:00.003-06:00

I was just messing around with the settings on my camera when I took this one. . . I think I'll get it enlarged and frame it!
The capital building in Helena. . .
This was taken right outside the place with the carousel. . . very cool.
Morgan and her bus driver's granddaughter (they were camping there too) playing on our pyramid that Kory battled trying to patch.
Syd playing in the water. . .

Thought I would post a few cool pictures from camping. . . hope you enjoy! Morgan starts school again on Thursday. I can't believe another summer has come and gone. . .

Back to Reality

2008-08-17T15:25:00.002-06:00

We had a wonderful week at Canyon Ferry Reservoir with our friends. The weather was great--it actually got kinda cold at night! We weren't hot at all--maybe a little bit on Saturday, but that was it. It was windy off and on, but that was okay--we just relaxed and went into Helena a few times. The girls had fun at the Great Northern Carousel (I'll post some pix later!), and we learned how to sift through rocks for garnets and sapphires. I think we all needed it. Now it's back to work and day care! School starts on the 28th and I am so not ready!!!

The Speech Heard 'Round the Town

2008-08-05T19:48:00.002-06:00

Maybe someday it will be heard "'Round the world", but for now, it was heard around town, and an article was written about it in the Billings Gazette-with a picture of my now famous sister Marlene. This was the speech she was asked to give at the VIP luncheon at the 2-day conference on autism at Montana State University-Billings. You can check the speech out on her blog. The link is on the right side of my blog--"Jared's Journey".

Battles

2008-08-03T18:02:00.002-06:00

My whole family is battling something these days. My mom's battling cancer, my sister and her family are battling autism, Kory is battling the big yellow blow-up pyramid thingy that floats on the lake so we can take it on vacation, and I am battling battles between my girls. Needless to say, when I talk about my personal battles, they seem very small compared to what my mom and my sister are dealing with on a daily basis.

Mom will be starting 5 weeks of radiation in a few weeks, and she will have an extra week just for good measure--a boost I believe is what they called it, but don't quote me on that. She goes in to have a mold made first and gets tattoed. She seems okay--she doesn't really know how it will affect her, but she seems to be going into this with a lot of dignity, maybe almost stoic like my grandmother was. At least that's the side I see. I think she shows different sides to all of us kids.

Marlene has her big speech to give at the 2 day conference on autism. I am so proud of her--I think it is so cool. She and John will be sitting on the parents panel, and Marlene is giving a speech at the VIP luncheon. I really wish I could go. I hope somebody video-tapes it. I believe some people from my work are going, so hopefully I will hear all about it from them. The whole conference was planned because of a speech she gave at an Easter Seals fundraiser. One of the professors at the University heard it and said to his wife that we needed to have a conference on autism, so from what I understand he got it going. That amazes me. She is making a difference.

And now for my battle. I really am at my wits end about my girls--today the fight was BAD. I bought them each a new toy for when we go on vacation, and they were playing with them in the camper. I came inside, and Kory was outside battling the yellow thingy I referred to earlier. I guess there was yelling and screaming and shoving, and they're just lucky that I did not witness it. Kory takes it pretty easy on them. Not me. I hate fighting. So, they both came in and had to be on separate floors of the house, while the new toys got grounded for a week until we go on vacation--they are in the camper in a bag to be left alone until we are at our destination. Errrrr.

I most definitely will take this piddly little battle (even though at the time it seems so huge) over the others I see around me. Now there's this pile of clean clothes downstairs calling my name. . . bleh.

My Flowers

2008-07-31T18:11:00.000-06:00

I took this picture yesterday morning of my flowers I planted. . . all 160 of them. . . give or take a few!

Do You Believe in Ghosts?

2008-07-28T20:50:00.002-06:00

I'm serious when I'm asking this question. I really didn't have an opinion on this subject until we moved into our new house in 2006. You would think a newly built house would not have other inhabitants, right? Well ours did/does. The first time we noticed it was one night when Kory was thawing out some hamburger in the microwave. One child was asleep, the other downstairs with us--both too small to reach the microwave. Kory put the package of hamburger in the microwave, set the timer, and came back downstairs to watch tv. We had only been in the house maybe 3 months--it had been raining all day. He went back upstairs to check on the hamburger, and the microwave door was open, the hamburger unthawed, and there was still time left on the timer. I just thought Kory had lost his mind. . . until I remembered seeing a tennis ball in our closet a few days earlier. We don't own any tennis balls. The day care next door doesn't have any tennis balls, and our dog does not play with tennis balls. At the time I thought it was strange but kind of shrugged it off. . . until the microwave event. Then the next weekend I woke with a start. . . I ALWAYS turn a fan on in our bedroom before I go to bed. . . the noise helps me sleep--along with the air movement. I turned it on that night, and when I woke with a start about 1/2 hour after I went to sleep, the fan was off. I got up and went to turn it back on. . . nothing happened. What the. . . ? So I turned on my light, and it turns out the fan was unplugged. At that moment, I knew we had a ghost. We had to be careful not to talk about it in front of Morgan--but at the same time it was very hard not to. We didn't want to scare her. I would go through each occurrence in my head, questioning every possibility, but a ghost was the only explanation. We even asked the builder of the house about it--what used to be here many years ago? The only thing they knew was that there used to be a pig farm here--great.

It seemed like for a while we would notice little things after that. . . the fireplace would shut off by itself (gas) when we didn't have it set on the thermostat. . .weird things like that. . . but nothing like the 3 things I listed above. . . that is until recently. Our dog never acted strange when the ghost was around. . . until recently. About 2 months ago, Kory was downstairs watching tv, and I was upstairs in bed. Kory said Zoe (the beloved pooch) kept looking at the pictures on the ledge of my mom and dad. My dad passed away 9 years ago. She has never seen him. He did love dogs, and I know he would have had a soft spot for Zoe. She has NEVER even noticed those pictures before. . she usually just lays down while we're watching tv, but that night he said she was different. She sat there just looking up at those pictures like she knew him. I'm sorry I missed it. And then tonight. . . we got home from swimming lessons, and the light switch just inside the house by the door coming in from the garage would not turn the lights on. So, Morgan went to the top of the stairs where there was another light switch for those same lights--nothing. All the other lights worked. Then Kory went downstairs to hit the other light switch for those lights, and that one worked--then the other ones worked. Now I'm sure there's some sort of logical explanation for this light switch phenomenon, but my explanation is our little ghost friend.

I've never felt threatened. . . so maybe it is my dad--he would do those kind of silly things just to tease me. And he would get a good laugh out of doing those kinds of things too. And what about those times when I'm having a really bad day, and it just so happens that a Don Williams song comes on the radio (who plays him anymore?) or when I was really stressed out and on my way to work and I would see Dad's old Dodge? I don't know--those could all be easily disputed in some scientific study I'm sure, but for me, I prefer to think my dad is telling me that everything is going to be all right. . . stop stressing. . . appreciate what I have. . . and most of all appreciate my family.

A New Reader

2008-07-27T12:38:00.003-06:00

I just found out that I have a new reader to my blog--one of Kory's classmates that I have not yet met. So, I put a link to her blog on here--I hope that's okay! I can't even describe how I felt when she e-mailed and said she's been reading my posts and that she liked them. It was not only flattering, but made me happy that there are other people that see this blog. I can't even begin to imagine how many blogs there are out there, so to know that this gets read by people that I don't even know really surprised me I guess. See? I am struggling to describe it.

Thank you for reading! I am going to have to be more dedicated and post more often. . .

Only Good News

2008-07-24T21:42:00.004-06:00

So I'm only going to talk about good news tonight. Mom's tumor was self-contained. The surgeon removed one lymph node and it was clear. Yayyy!!! They believe they got the entire tumor. We'll know more in a week when she sees her surgeon for follow-up. So, since the tumor had not spread to the lymph nodes, that means it was less than a Stage 3 cancer. This is what I had hoped, and this is truly what I believed was to be true before we even went in today. I felt so bad for my mom this morning--while we were waiting for her first appointment today, she said to me, "I am so scared." Let me tell you--having never heard that from my mom before--it shook me up. You all would be so proud of how strong I was today. I shed not a single tear--that is really hard for me to do, but I knew I had to do it, and I did.

Thank you to EVERYBODY who said prayers and gave us all best wishes. You are the best, and I couldn't ask for better people to know. I love you all. You just simply have no idea how full my heart feels right now with all the prayers my mom has received this week. My mom, myself and my family were truly wrapped in a blanket of love today--no matter how corny that sounds.

I'm Just Tired. . .

2008-07-23T19:09:00.002-06:00

That's what I was telling myself this morning sitting in the skimpy hospital gown that I had to hold shut while I was waiting for the ultrasound tech to come back. . . she told me before my ultrasound that the radiologist said I had to have another mammogram this morning before I could have the ultrasound so they knew where to look--my last mammogram was from 2001, and that was too old. I panicked--I wasn't prepared for this small bump. It seemed so big at the time--I was awake most of the night with pain in my breast and armpit. I told the tech that my doctor said she wouldn't order a mammogram because of the tenderness, swelling and just overall pain. She said she would call my doctor's office--I wanted to tell her to tell that MALE radiologist that I would get a mammogram today if he stuck his balls in the same machine to see what that felt like. But I held my tongue--with tears in my eyes. I was in pain--I was not prepared. Later on I told myself, "this is how Sydney feels when you mess up her routine. This is how she deals with it--by crying." I didn't want to cry--I really tried not to--but I am stressed out. I told the tech that my I am really stressed out--my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and I'm stressed, as tears stream down my face. How frickin' embarrassing. I wanted her to know that I wasn't crazy--that I don't usually freak out when I'm told I have to have a mammogram--but I was in pain, dammit!!! So, she comes back after speaking to my doctor's office, and says my doctor is on vacation until noon today. Lovely--the nurse recommended I do the mammogram first, but it is my choice. Well okay--I'll do it--but I was PISSED!! When I'm pissed I cry--sometimes. So, then everybody was soooo nice to me I just kept crying--stop being nice to me! The mammogram hurt--but they put a cushion on the plate so that it wasn't so bad. I told the mammogram tech that a woman must have invented that foam cushion--she smiled. Then they did the ultrasound--the mammogram was clear (I could have told them that!). But, the ultrasound showed 2 cysts--so they brought in the prick (excuse my language here folks) that made me have the dumb mammogram--the one was pretty small, but the other one they want to aspirate and test the fluid--if any--they get out of it. I could schedule it right away or I could wait 6 months. They also brought in a nurse navigator like Mom has. I had to think about it--while I was thinking about it, they all just stared at me--do I have to decide right now, I wanted to say. So I just said I wanted to wait 6 months. I can't handle this right now. I should have cancelled the ultrasound in the first place, but I thought I should get it done. The doc said there's less than a 2% chance it's malignant--well with all the crap going on now, maybe by 6 months it will go away.

Enough of this crap--I need to focus on my mom. I decided I got all the tears out today so that I won't have any tomorrow. They moved Mom's surgery up to 11:30--hallelujah. So it won't be such a long morning for her. I really feel it's going to be okay--they caught it fast. She had her last mammogram 6 months ago, so this is promising. The tumor is small--maybe the size of the tip of my thumb. I wish they would tell her that her worrying caused her tumor--that's about the only thing that would cure her of worrying. Not about this, but about everything in general--even before we knew about the tumor.

Ihave so many dear friends and family all praying for her. It's amazing. THAT makes me cry too--just knowing how much people care.

Appointments

2008-07-18T18:47:00.002-06:00

Mom had her appointment today. She goes in for surgery on Thursday for a partial mastectomy. They won't know until that day if the cancer has spread to her lymph nodes or not. I tried really really hard to be strong, but then when the doctor said "this is when we start to worry about our daughters (getting cancer)" I started to cry. He was so kind--too bad every doctor doesn't have his bedside manner. He looked at me and said, "It's okay to cry, I cry all the time." The good thing is that Mom has a "nurse navigator." She's kind of a case manager. She will go to Mom's appointment with her if Mom wants her to, she communicates regularly with the surgeons and oncologists, and she meets with them twice a month and they discuss each patient case and what they think the best course of action is for each patient. It's really quite impressive. She was so sweet with Mom too. So, Now we just wait for Thursday to come around.

Kory's dad had a new stint put in today--I guess the one he got about a year ago was all clogged up. He's in the hospital for 24 hours and will come to our house for another 24 hours before he goes home. Hopefully that helps him to feel better. He's been sick for a long time and hasn't really been able to sleep very well at all, so I hope this helps him.

One tidbit of drama--lightning started a fire out here in Lockwood--great. Luckily we're not close to it, but I worry about the smoke and how it affects Morgan. I guess we'll see if her cough gets worse.

I think I need a drink. . .

Our Parents' Health

2008-07-17T19:48:00.002-06:00

So I got the phone call from Mom this afternoon, and now we found out Kory's dad has to have either a stint or open heart surgery tomorrow. I have an ultrasound myself tomorrow afternoon at 3 I was going to cancel due to us going out of town camping, but we have now canceled our camping trip, so why not--let's get all this crap out of the way--instead of sitting around worrying about it--let's hit this head on. It will suck, but that's life--it sucks a lot lately.

Bad News

2008-07-17T14:48:00.002-06:00

Mom called--the surgeon's nurse called her this afternoon and said the surgeon would like to see her in the morning. Mom asked her if she could tell her if it was benign, and the nurse said, "no, honey, I can't." So, the more I think about it, the more I think it is malignant. The doctor woudln't see her in his office if it was benign. If it was benign and they could leave it there, they would tell her over the phone. If it was benign and they needed to remove it, they would schedule surgery. I'm thinking the doctor wants to talk to Mom about her treatment options. Crap crap crap. That's the only word I can think of right now without swearing. So, I'll go with her in the morning and hopefully he will say it's no big deal and we'll remove it, possibly do some radiation and be done. If I remember correctly, when they did the MRI, he wasn't concerned about her lymph nodes, which is a good sign. I hope so. Say some prayers for my mom.

Also, Kory's dad hasn't been feeling the greatest lately either. Kory's Mom and Dad are down today to see the cardiologist. They were going to do a stress test on him at 1:00--we haven't heard how that went--could be we have company another night.

Good News vs. Bad News

2008-07-14T20:51:00.003-06:00

You always hear "What would you like first, the good news or the bad news?" So today you will hear the good news first. . . you have no choice in the matter.

The good news is that Mom's biopsy is over. They numbed her so it wouldn't be so painful, and she said the doctor was pretty funny and made her laugh. The bad news is we won't have any news until Friday. Now she gets to wait some more, but we are thinking she was really worried about the biopsy procedure itself, so she's relieved it's over.

The good news is that I was offered the Director of Finance Position at Head Start. Wow is that a boost to my ego. Maybe I am qualified to do something that I thought maybe I wasn't qualified for initially. The bad news is that it would be about a $20,000/year pay cut, so I can't take the job. So, here goes my optimism. At least I have a job, right? I was hoping the salary they quoted me would be with part-time hours in the summer--well it was, but it meant 2 weeks without pay in the summer--that's it. So, I have to call them back tomorrow and say sorry but there's just no way I can afford to take that big of a cut. I guess I thought it would be a little bit higher than what they said--but it wasn't. Oh well. They even told me that salary was at the high end of the range too. So, onward I go. . . it will be okay--I have my family and my friends and so much to be thankful for--now let's just focus on Mom. . . and pray that there is no bad news to go along with the good.

Funky

2008-07-11T21:37:00.003-06:00

So my day kinda went along with the title of Sydney's favorite song, "Had a Bad Day". I guess I really can't say it was a BAD day, just that I am in a funk. I talked to Mom this morning, and she had an ultrasound yesterday--seems the 'spot' is about 3/4" big--she has a biopsy on Monday. I guess my stupid optimistic self (until today) was thinking that these tests were never conclusive--probably because we didn't have much information/details--that was until now. The fact that Mom could see it on the ultrasound screen monitor scared the hell out of me--what must she be feeling? Was she a little bit relieved that she had somewhat more details--even though we still don't know if it's cancer? The weird thing is that the spot is not hard--it can't be felt. At least the doctor spoke with her and let her know that they would be numbing the area, so that eased her mind a little bit. They'll take 4 or 5 samples and see if it's a malignancy. Ugh. I'm scared, so what the hell is Mom feeling?

It didn't help that today is the anniversary of Dad's death. Kory and I went to lunch, and then I went to the store afterwards to pick up some flowers. As I was leaving, in walked Mom to get flowers--how funny. So, I told her to meet me at my new office (which is right next to the cemetery), and we went over the the grave together. I was able to be strong and not cry the whole time--till I got back to work. Then I started telling the gals about how I met up with Mom, and I just started to cry. I hate that!! And the new office is just oppressive. Then I get news that the group of us that got raises in May from my old boss may not be getting our annual raises in July along with everyone else. Wow. Incredible.

So, tonight, I came home and went to bed--now I have guilt--because I'm not showing my kids how to deal with stress--although they probably just think I'm tired from moving yesterday--I hope. But, I need to get out of this funk this weekend and spend some time with them--and be thankful because they are what keeps me going.

Behind the Times

2008-06-30T21:21:00.003-06:00

Well it is summertime, and swimming lesson time, and new boss time, so needless to say I am BEHIND THE TIMES! Sorry I haven't been posting. Here is a summary of the happenings in my life in the past few weeks. . .

My co-worker that worked in the office next door to me was RIF'd a couple of weeks ago (Reduction in Force) shortly after he and his new boss filled a new position--the new person was to start on Monday, and Del was RIF'd on the Friday before the new person started. Isn't this illegal? He is actually very happy. One of my staff spoke to him and he is doing well--relieved--and taking a vacation as we speak before he starts back on the job hunt. Seems to me they did a pretty crappy thing, but if he's happy then I'm happy for him.

This leads up to the trust issue. For me, there is none at work, because, I too have a new boss. I actually really like her, but she used to work for our Chief Operating Officer, who just happens to be the boss of the new boss that fired my friend. Seems he likes to clean house a little bit. Well, my friend and I have both been there 13 years. . . so this is scary to me. Are they going to wait until the audit is done and fire me? Are they going to rig the audit so I get a bad wrap? Who knows--as you can tell there's no trust. AND, my friend's new boss is also our new VP of Information Technology--as a result, I'm doing very little on the internet at work--not that I abused it by any means before, but I'm only going to places that are for work. NO trust.

Another reason I haven't been posting is we have been Crazy Busy at home--and away I might add. Kory's class reunion was the weekend of the 20th, then we had swimming lessons at night last week, while in the meantime I had to get the camper ready for another camping trip. So. . . .last week was out of the question. We camped this last weekend--very nice weather--so it was worth the work--and being away from the computer, phone and laundry was very very nice. So, this week we have swimming lessons again every night, but Kory gave me the night off. What have I done? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! And it was a nice little luxury for a change. I watched tv and now am on the internet--and in a few short minutes I'm going to bed!!!

In the meantime, I'm hoping for a job change, as I received a phone call today from my new boss--my old boss left me with a big Medicare Cost Report mess--and I'm the only one who knows how to fix it because the gal who was supposed to take over this report from me a year ago never took a class and dumped it on our laps 2 days before it was due because she had to go on vacation. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME???? My butt would have been busted for that.

Can you tell I need to vent tonight? I know not every job is great, and if I find a new job it could be just as bad. . . I should be thankful I have a job. . . so. . . off I go to work again tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Letters From My Father

2008-06-15T19:54:00.003-06:00

Today, Father's Day, Mom came out with a small stack of letters that were given to her by Dad's cousin, John Lawson. Dad wrote these letters after he enlisted with the army during WWII. Most of them were written from Camp Gruber in Oklahoma, but there is one from England and a few from Germany. There is one letter--very worn and torn so you can't read much of it--that has his location crossed out by one of the Army Examiners--pretty interesting. John and Dad were really close--like brothers--and they were both in WWII. Here is an excerpt from one of his letters. . .

June 9, 1945
Auerbach, Germany

Well it looks like maybe I'll be over here a while now, as our division has been picked for the Army of Occupation, they had a pretty big write up in the Stars & Stripes about the division and all it had done, it told about St, Lo and the breakthrough that our division made, and also about the German counter attack at Mortain where our battalion was cut off for six days and it took two regiments to fight their way up that hill and two of us came out alive, I was in two explosions, both of them by a German A.T. mine which hold approximately 11 & a half pounds of T.N.T. I was riding on the hood of the jeep when the first one blew up and about ten feet away when the second one went off. The thing that pissed me off about that deal is that we had sweated out all six days together every time one of us went out we all went out, the Army also lost two of the bravest wireman they ever had too. I guess it sounds like I am bragging or looking for sympathy but I just wanted to get it off my chest & I know that you have seen enough war to understand how I feel, thanks a lot for the warning though just the same-boy those bastards have a hell of a lot of concussion to them, my wound wasn't very bad but the reason I got back so far and stayed as long as I did in the hopsital was because I had what they call shock or technically psychoneurosis I never told Mom that I had that also becuase they would think I might be off my nut, I guess maybe I am a little bit, I damn near cracked up when we were bombed by our own planes thats why I said what I did about them, well I'm glad I got that off my chest to someone who won't think I am blowing.

I will send you a picture of myself, in this letter. It was taken after the war ended over here, noticed the crease in the pants, I am really a sharp character now.

It was so nice on this Father's Day to have a small piece of my dad to think about and learn about. Most of this is stuff I didn't know. It was heart-wrenching and yet wonderful to see his handwriting and know that a part of him lives on.

Happy Father's Day Dad. . . I love you and miss you and think about you every day.

Gone Fishing

2008-06-12T20:59:00.004-06:00

I went to the lake to catch a fish

In hopes to reel him in.

I put on my worm and cast it out

Now the waiting will begin.

I felt a tug on my line

So I started to pull him in

A picture was taken of me and my fish

And my face was one big grin.

We went camping last weekend--it was a little cold and kinda rainy, but we still had fun. Here are the girls with their catches--Syd's first fish! Of course she wanted to take it home and keep it. She named it Twinkle. I think she still thinks that Twinkle is living in the bucket we had her in. That's what she told the girl at Build-a-Bear tonight. I'm afraid of what will happen when we take that bucket out and it's empty. Oh well! The Spongebob pole caught most of the fish this weekend.

The Best Day of My Life

2008-06-06T15:11:00.002-06:00

I started cleaning my office a little bit today for 2 reasons--1) I will be changing offices soon--actually moving to a different building, and 2) my new boss is meeting with me on Monday for most of the day, so I don't want her to see how messy this can get. Plus, it's good to clean messes once in a while, huh?

Anyway, while cleaning my office, I found this printout that I used to have hanging in my old office--it's from Chicken Soup for the Soul. It's something I need to stick to my mirror and read every day. . .

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever!

There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today;but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate!

Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.

I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart. I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts; The morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know. Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for her and how much she means to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has given me. I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and His Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine.

And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.

As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almight for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

By Gregory M. Lousig-Nont, Ph.D.

Memorial Day

2008-05-29T20:17:00.003-06:00

This post is a little late, but here's some pictures from when we visited Grandpa and Grandma Elings gravesite. There's also a picture of Grandpa & Grandma's trailer (it's been re-sided, but it's the same trailer!), and a picture of Bert's (Grandpa's) Barber Shop and the Graves Hotel where Grandma worked as a maid for many many years.

Sydney's Preschool Graduation

2008-05-28T17:57:00.002-06:00

Here's a little song from Syd's preschool graduation. Very Cute! She did so well. Didn't cry when she got up there or anything! And that little bitty church was PACKED!!! Of course, I bawled like a baby.

Notes on Being a Mom

2008-05-20T19:39:00.002-06:00

My brother sent me this e-mail today. It really made me stop and think. . . I so relate to what she says, even though my babies are still my babies and still need me.

Notes on Motherhood By Anna Quindlen,
Newsweek Columnist and Author

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow, but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, and one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education -- all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages, dust would rise like memories. What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations -- what they taught me, was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all.

Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old that did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the "Remember-When-Mom-Did" Hall of Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language -- mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, "What did you get wrong?" (She insisted I include that here.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top.

And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.

Cub Choir Concert

2008-05-18T20:51:00.003-06:00

Here's the last song they sang at Morgan's Cub Choir Concert on Friday, May 16th. It was awesome! She did great. Mom cried a little bit when they sang this song.

The Cough

2008-05-14T09:04:00.002-06:00

I HATE The Cough. When I was little, I remember having The Cough in the middle of the night waking everybody up. My mom would get up and give me cough syrup with codeine (nasty!) and my dad would get mad because I would cough and cough. As I got older, my parents would have me get up and drink hot tea with honey in it--much better than the cough syrup with Codeine, but it took a while for The Cough to go away.

Now, as a mom, The Cough haunts me. When Morgan was a baby, she got a really bad cold at Christmas time. I remember the barking sound. It was terrible, and we went through many sleepless nights. She ended up having croup at one point. That was scary. I remember sitting in the bathroom with her just running the shower and getting the steam going. It didn't seem to help until the doctor gave us the croup medicine (predisolone--a form of prednisone). From then on, that was the only thing that would stop The Cough. She had it every winter, and it was hell--I felt so bad for her--her little body would just shake and she would be exhausted. It almost makes me cry to think about how much she suffered. She was such a trooper. When I had Sydney, Morgan had The Cough while we were in the hospital, and I remember thinking the nurses were going to kick her out it was so bad. Finally, the day care provider told us that she thought Morgan had asthma, and gave us the name of a specialist to take her to. Morgan was very sick at the time. So, we went to see Dr. Davis, and sure enough, she diagnosed Morgan with Asthma. In addition, Morgan had Pneumonia--it was so scary. That started the breathing treatments--Morgan hated them--and the prednisolone--which really kicked The Cough in the butt--thank goodness. Then we took Morgan back the next year with the same symptoms and she had a sinus infection--they were going to do a Cat Scan of her head to make sure, and it scared the hell out of me--I remember crying (I'm such a wimp!). Once again, Morgan was a trooper.

Well, The Cough came back--along with the pangs in my stomach (it literally makes me nauseous to listen to her)--we were doing so well--Morgan's been off her nightly medication since early last fall, and she has barely had any colds. I think this time it's allergies--she's been complaining of sinus headaches, and now with the 'post nasal drip' The Cough reared it's ugly head. I HATE IT. We were up with her twice last night. I don't want to start the breathing treatments again, but we might have to. Morgan had a concert today--her Cub Choir group is singing to some teachers that are retiring--and heaven forbid she miss school. So, off she went--barking along--even after getting some over-the-counter medicine. I hope she makes it through. Her concert to the parents is Friday, and she is determined that she is not going to miss it. . . I hope she's better by then. Poor thing.

Mother's Day 2008

2008-05-11T19:28:00.001-06:00

Happy Mother's Day!!!

We took this picture at Pictograph State Park not far from our house. I had a wonderful Mother's Day! I think it was the best one yet. Mom came out after Church and Kory went into town and picked up Texas Roadhouse for us. It was so nice--I didn't have to cook, and just had to clean up a little bit--and Kory did most of that! Then Mom and I went for a drive which she really enjoyed. I showed her the new middle school that is being built out here in Lockwood, and then I drove her up into Emerald Hills so she could see where the fire went last summer. She said she really had a great time. Then she went to Roger and Diana's, and we got ready and took some pictures. Now I'm at home checking out all the bad ones and finding all the good ones. I don't think there is one bad one of Morgan--little Miss Photogenic!

Good thing we're home now--it's pouring rain!

Montana Women's Run

2008-05-11T10:40:00.003-06:00

Wow--what a great morning we had!! Morgan and I joined my sister and some friends along with 6400 other women in downtown Billings for the annual Women's Run on Saturday, May 10th. Now, I have NEVER been a runner. But, I have been going to the YMCA twice a week (okay, I've missed a few times) and working with a trainer that teaches a class called "Activate America". Well, I've really been pushing myself (last week too hard) and I have noticed a huge difference in my leg strength and my knees. I've even been running on the treadmill off and on. So, Saturday morning, squeezed in among thousands of women, I was so excited--excited to actually run part of the race and be among all these women--it is always inspiring to me. It also brings out my competetive side (who knew sweet little ol' me had a competetive streak?). So, when the race started, my little Morgan said, "c'mon Mom!" and off we ran holding hands. It was the greatest feeling having her at my side. I now know what runners call that feeling of euphoria--I had it. I could have run a lot more, but Morgan and my friend Sarah were pretty tired--so we would walk, and then I would get them going again and we would run some more. I'm excited to see where I placed. I know I didn't place very high--but I DO know it's higher than last year because I was way towards the bottom in my age group last year--which is fine--I was just walking it last year to be with my friends and enjoy myself. This year I wanted to push myself, and I did. We crossed the finish line and started walking towards the car (which was parked WAY far away). As we walked, a lot of people stopped us to talk to Morgan and asked her if she ran with her mom. They were so impressed that she would do that and told her so. I told them all what a great job she did. It was the best Mother's Day present!!! As soon as I get the picture of me and Morgan, I'll post it here.

Happy Mother's Day to all the great women in my life.

Blessed

2008-05-08T09:14:00.002-06:00

As I was preparing for my customer service team meeting this morning, I came across this page from a seminar I attended last week. Then I thought to myself that I should have read this yesterday when I was feeling sorry for myself. Here it is:

Blessed

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the millions who will not survive the week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people around the world.

If you attend a church meeting without fear of harrassment, arrest, or death, you are more blessed than almost 3 billion poeple in the world.

If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish some place, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face, and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

I need to paste this to my bathroom mirror so I see it first thing in the morning. . .

Appreciation

2008-05-07T08:04:00.003-06:00

I don't mean to turn this into a negative post, but it's how I'm feeling today. I literally am feeling unappreciated. Not only at work, but at home. Maybe even moreso at home. The girls have terrible manners--and I hate to nag--but I find myself doing it all the time. They are lazy--they hate to pick up their toys--the shoes or coats don't go in the garage when they take them off--or when they do they are just thrown in there. Sad to say I'm doing the same thing because I'm so sick of it that I just have to not care--but the problem is I do. I nag Kory a lot lately too I think. I don't mean to, but some days I have just had enough, and to see what is going on around my house literally makes me not care. This gets back to the title of this blog ". . . loads of laundry". I know it bugs Kory that I don't hang clothes up after I wash them--but why should I? Why should I even try to keep anything straight at my house, because the second I do, it just goes back to the same old bad habits, and I'm the only one trying to change them (and obviously the nagging doesn't work). Then, there will be one day where I get mad enough and everybody gets whipped into shape, and then that's as long as it lasts, and once again I am discouraged. Why is this? Why does it have to be this way? Did Kory's mom pick up everything for him? I don't know--he is way better at hanging up his laundry than I am mine--but other than that, there are things that are just left wherever they land. And not that I'm perfect about it either, but every time I come up with a system it just gets screwed up.

Another thing today--I asked Kory if he had anything planned for Mother's Day, and he said no. Hmmm--I'm a little hurt. He hadn't even given it a thought. Now granted, I get some pretty nice things from Kory, and he's usually pretty thoughtful, but lately maybe I've been too big of a witch for him to care. I don't know. I was basically asking because I was going to have Mom come out for dinner on Sunday, but if he had something planned I would do it Saturday. Then he asked me what I wanted to do. What? What happened to just taking the initiative and planning something? Maybe he thinks that I won't be happy with his choice, so it's just easier not to do anything. I really don't know.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. . . because I am pretty blessed in this life. . . but this is how I am feeling today.

My First Post

2008-05-03T08:37:00.001-06:00

Who knew I would start blogging? Certainly not me. I guess I have been influenced by my sister and my cousin. So here goes. What's with my title? Well, I guess I have to say I am a pretty fortunate person, set aside all my worries, fears and doubts. And then there's the laundry room. It pretty much portrays how I feel inside most days--all messy and full of things that should be put away (worries) but still just lay there in my way when I try to wash things that need to be cleaned. So, maybe this blog will motivate me to take some control and put those dumb things away--then again maybe not. I figure it can't hurt, right?

So, keep reading. . . maybe things will start to make sense to you and to me. . .