What am I supposed to do?

I guess all I can do is just move on. Same song, different verse.

I'll post tomorrow about Syd's evaluation.

Referral

Sydney had her appointment today with Dr. Heidi. They were so relieved we had already gotten her kindergarten shots. They hate giving those! Anyway, she asked us what behaviors do we think might interfere with Sydney's schooling. We told her noise, too much activity, and transitions. If Sydney is not prepared for something, she will have a meltdown. She nodded her head yes at all of these. She told us that even though Sydney's behaviors are mild to medium compared to the children described in the book, she thinks it would be good for a Pediatric Occupational Therapist to evaluate Syd. She gave us two names, and then she said she would call both of them and talk to them about Sydney to see which one could get her in first. Then we have a better chance of having some time before Kindergarten to work with Syd and help her adjust. She said she even had her OT go visit with her daughter's kindergarten teacher before school started, so it might be a good idea depending on the evaluation and how much we can help Sydney before school starts. Then she did the normal evaluation of Sydney--her pre-kindergarten well-child-checkup. She had Syd draw a picture of a person, so Sydney did it as fast as she could. Head, body, arms, legs, eyes, nose & mouth. I remember when Morgan did it--I believe she went into much greater detail--maybe even put a dress on the girl or drew hands. It is interesting to see the difference. Heidi said the main thing they look for developmentally is that they draw more than 3 body parts. phew! Sydney did fine on all the developmental tests, and Dr. Heidi even let her listen to her own heartbeat. Pretty amazing that Syd let her put the stethoscope ends in her ears since she is so sensitive there! Syd really liked it. Dr. Heidi took her out to get her a book and sticker and sucker and we were done. So now we will wait to hear when we can get Syd in to see the OT.

We are so lucky to have Dr. Heidi. She is so caring and the girls love her.

Dr's Appointment

Sydney's evaluation for Sensory Processing Disorder is tomorrow. I am very interested to see what the doctor says. I finished the book last night that the doctor told me to read, "Sensational Kids". It had some very interesting thoughts in it. First and foremost, it said that they do not know the exact cause of SPD. They have a 'top ten' of things they have found doing research. One of the theories was that it is hereditary--but it said mainly that they do not usually have to look at people past the parents. From what I can tell, I do not have sensory issues like Sydney--and I really don't know about Kory. I know he was extremely shy, and I know that sometimes Syd's SPD (assuming that's what it is) is confused by others as shyness, so maybe there's something to it. The other cause that really stood out to me had to do with troubles with the pregnancy or at birth. They looked at 100 kids with SPD, and out of those 100 kids, 11 of them were breach, and 63 were C-Sections. I'm assuming that with all the other issues these kids had at birth, they had to be put on oxygen right after they were delivered--just like Syd and just like my nephew who also has sensory issues. This makes me wonder if that didn't "heighten" Syd's sensitivities. I remember when she was a baby how she would startle so easily--you could be looking right in her face, say "boo" quietly, and she would startle. She still startles easily--which is a nervous system reaction. Morgan does not. Isn't that interesting?

At the end of the book, among other appendices, the OT/author wrote a "Sample Letter for Helping Others Understand your Sensational Child". Here are some excerpts from that letter (I have edited some of it to apply to Syd's situation):

Dear (insert name here):

I know Mom has told you about my "hidden handicap" called Sensory Processing Disorder. People sometimes call the disability "SPD" or "sensory integration dysfunction" too. SPD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects my brain and makes it different than your brain.
SPD is a complicated disorder and research is only just starting to come out about it. What we know already is that kids with SPD are not all the same. Some kids are over-responsive to sensations, which means they find a lot of sensations offensive. This causes them to have a "fight/flight" reaction to messages from their senses. . . (the letter goes on to describe other types of sensory disorders). . .
I'm the over-responsive/sensory defensive type of SPD. My SPD makes it hard for me to correctly interpret the sensations I feel. I'm sure you remember last year when I hid in my room when everbody came over for Thanksgiving. I couldn't wait for everybody to get there, but when they did I couldn't handle/process all the noise and people, so I went in my room. Then later I had what Mom calls a "meltdown."
Sometimes people think that if I don't join them at the meal table it's because I am being rude. The sounds, smells and people get to me.
Sometimes people tell Mom and Dad that they just need to make me get used to things like the boat or the wind or the circus, or places with a lot of activities and noise. The reality is that I CAN'T get used to them. If I am in a new situation where I can't predict what is going to happen, I get scared and have a meltdown because I cannot process all the messages that are coming into my brain. Forcing me to do something will put my brain on overload, and then nobody will enjoy their time. Asking me to do something over and over that my parents have already tried to get me to do won't help.
You know what's most important to me? It's that you don't judge my parents' efforts. Everyone is always giving them advice about me or saying I'm just fine--like THEY know better how to handle me than Mom and Dad. But nobody else lives with me, and it's really hard on my parents when people who don't live with me try to tell them how to do it. They know you have the best intentions but, honestly, we have been through a lot already and they are so familiar with my needs. They are such great people and they need your support.
It might sound like I'm asking you to change yourself, but I'm really not. I just want to ask you to be patient with me and understanding with my parents. I am trying hard to cope with everything, and they're doing their best to help me.
Do you think you see the world now a little bit like I do? That's what I hope. I am just me. I am like you in lots of ways and I'm different in other ways. There will be a place for me in the world, and I plan to do great things when I grow up. But in the meantime, at family celebrations, we'll all have a better time if you can take the time to imagine how I feel, to realize that I want to be "good" and participate, and I am doing the best I can!

There were many traits described in this book that opened my eyes. For example, a low tolerance for frustration, or being slow to reach milestones. Syd did not walk until she was 16 months old. She was very slow to learn to ride a trike or her little bicycle with training wheels. She was always pretty clumsy--I remember joking how she was just like me--poor kid--but gymnastics has done wonders with that, working with her balance and building her muscles through play.

I'll post tomorrow night about Syd's appointment with her doctor and what we find out. I'm hopeful to see some positive changes in Sydney, assuming we are given activities to work with her or a referral to an OT. Anything we can do to help her will help the whole family, as I know it has put a strain on my relationship with Morgan.

OMG

My baby is going to go to Kindergarten next year. I can hardly believe it. The school had kindergarten registration this morning, and I was almost emotional about it. I got a little bit teary-eyed filling out the paperwork. Dumb. Anyway, I took Morgan to school today (Kory usually takes her) since I had to go to Kindergarten registration, and she took ice cream sandwiches for her birthday treats. She wanted to listen to her new Hannah Montana cd I bought her for an early birthday present. It is actually a pretty good cd. Anyway, we were listening to "The Climb". I really love that song. It really strikes a chord with me, no matter how trite that statement sounds. Here are some of the words:

There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
There's always gonna be an uphill battle.
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
It doesn't matter how fast I get there.
It doesn't matter what's waitin' on the other side.
It's the climb.

So true, so true. So here's a little mountain--me sending my Syd to Kindergarten and hoping she isn't scared--but Morgan made it through. And Syd has Morgan and her best friend Maycee to lean on, so I'm sure she'll do just fine. She's got enough spunk in her. Not as much as her cousin Kate, but none-the-less she's got spunk.

Keep climbing, Keep the faith.

"I Love My Husband"

I saw this bumper sticker on a mini-van the other night when I was taking Syd to gymnastics. I wondered what the heck it meant. I mean, I love my husband too, but I'm not going to put it as a bumper sticker on my car! Did she put it on there instead of saying, "I love my Golden Retriever" or "I love my Ferret"? I just don't get it.

Another thing I don't get are people that say, "I love you" all the time to their spouses or significant others every time they talk to them on the phone. So the more you say it means that you mean it more? To me it seems that the more it is said, the less it means.

Amazing what kind of thoughts a dumb bumper sticker evokes.

Tomorrow is April 1st. . .

. . . and that has great significance to me, because I made it through today. I did not think I could make it to this day let alone through this day because of everything I HAD to get done today, but I'm here, and I made it through, and I got everything done that I could possibly get done. I am so relieved! The mind is a funny thing--mine is my own worst enemy. The stress I put myself through because of my anxiety is indescribable. Not only did I make it through this day, but the day itself was not nearly as bad as I had anticipated it to be. I think I do that to myself so that my expectations are really low--then when my expectations are exceeded, things are good. It's the torture that comes with worrying about it. I hate that I worry. I don't want to be that way. My problems are nothing compared to some. It's dumb and wasted energy.

Now I just need to move on to the next hurdle. Look out, here I go!

Busy, Busy, Busy

Wow--it has literally been a busy week or two since I last posted. I have found I am really a home-body and don't wish to go anywhere once I get home, but unfortunately I don't have that luxury. Luckily, my girls only have gymnastics twice a week. I don't know how these parents do it that have to take their kids to baseball practice every night, or therapy most days of the week.

I have felt a strain on my relationships lately because I have been so busy, and I hope some of it is just me--I hope my family hasn't noticed the strain. I really feel pulled in so many directions, and I know I put the stress on myself, but I really hate that feeling. No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and I know there are so many out there who have it so much worse than me. I'm not complaining, just concerned that my actions, busy-ness and words might hurt the people around me.

I think the worst thing you can do in times like these is to isolate yourself, and I sometimes have a tendency to do that. . . so I'm trying my best!

History

I was going through some of my dad's old movies tonight. It is so, um, surreal maybe is the right word, to see his handwriting and look at some of the things he filmed. There are notes on most of the reels that say funny thinks like "Pole Climbers" and "Katie walking into Trailer" or "Rob with sucker". Some are funny, like "Brad sticking out tongue" or "Brad teasing Katie", and some are serious like "Grandpa Cole's Funeral". Then there is a historic one that says, "Kennedy at Fairgrounds" which gives me the chills just reading it and typing it. They start in 1954 and go up to 1979. There are even two reels of film that are empty. I would love to see if there was a way I could film the girls on those, but I have no idea if anybody would even be able to develop those. Some of the films are in tin canisters labeled either Wards orKasper's Photo Shop. Most of them are in small boxes, about 3" by 3", with postmarks from Chicago, New York or Hollywood, California.

If you think about it, there might only be one major historic film included in this box of memories, but in a way all of it is history. It's all the history of my family, seen mostly through my father's eyes, which makes it all that much more valuable to me.

Sensational Kids

Sydney had a doctor's appointment today--another follow-up for the weird warts she has. They are starting to get better--they have spread some, but even the new ones are starting to look dried up, so that was all good. She also has a boil on her arm, for which the doctor prescribed an antibiotic cream. She has had it almost 3 weeks I would guess. It got really big, but it has shrunk and now has a scab on it, which is good. I also spoke with the doctor about Sydney's "sensory" issues. I have always noticed that Sydney has certain sensitivities-mainly with noise and touch (socks and jeans issue). The doctor said (and Marlene had already told me this) that Sydney probably has some hypersensitivity to noise and touch, and recommended I read a book called "Sensational Kids". She said her daughter has a lot of the same issues, and they ended up doing an Occupational Therapy evaluation, and she sees an OT for her sensory issues. She told me after I read the book to talk to her and let her know what specific 'symptoms' Sydney demonstrates, and then we can go from there. She said the sad thing is she didn't learn anything about this in medical school--it all came about from the research she has done after seeing her own daughter have melt-downs and issues with senses--mainly auditory. She said she has a few children in her practice that have this. She also said we are catching it at the perfect time--where we can help her before she starts school.

Thank you Marlene for helping me to understand this, and thank you Dr. Heidi for being such a great doctor. I am very blessed.

Sad Day

Mom called this afternoon to say that my brother-in-law's mother Phyllis passed away. We've known for weeks it was coming, but it still made me cry--made me sad. I am sad for Ryan who has such a big heart and is such a softie. This will hit him hard. I am sad for Sarah because she and Phyllis spent a lot of time together and had a special relationship. I am sad for Roger who now has no parents left on this earth. I am sad for the whole family and am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers, as trite as that sounds.

Take care Kern family--I love you--let me know what I can do to help.