Where Did the Summer Go?

Seriously--where did it go? Summer ALWAYS goes by way too fast, but this one seems especially fast. I don't think I've had a more stressful summer than this one. Well, I take that back. The summer my dad passed away was the worst. But this, well this is a different kind of stress. It's work related and family related. It quite frankly SUCKS! I know I know I should be thankful--and believe me I am--I have a wonderful family, I have a roof over my head, I get to go camping, and I have awesome friends--AMAZING friends. And, I have a job. Sydney has OT weekly--that will end this next week when school starts--I'm thinking we'll have to change it to once a month and do it on more of a consulting basis as I don't want to take 2 hours out of my day to drive out to her school, bring her back into town and take her back to school in the middle of the afternoon--very disruptive for both of us. Morgan is excited to start school--which is a wonderful thing that makes it so easy--Sydney not so much. Sydney is worried. Sydney is anxious. I try to keep a positive spin on the whole school thing, but I don't know if it's working. We get to meet with her teacher next week the afternoon before the first day of school, so hopefully that will ease some of her worries. AND she has her big sister there. Granted, Morgan will be in a different building (although still connected) but she will go get Sydney and take her to boys and girls club. I asked her if she would do that for the first few days until Sydney is used to it, and she said yes. Yay! Thank you Morgan--you are an awesome big sister--just like mine was! Morgan will show Syd the ropes, and Syd will get used to all the kids and activity--it was just as chaotic at day care sometimes, so I'm sure she'll adapt just fine. Can you tell I am trying to convince myself of this?

I get a long weekend--yay--we're heading out to go camping tonight. I need a break--now if I can just shut my mind off. It's my worst enemy I tell ya!

Did I cause any of these issues?

We received the report from the first OT that Sydney went to for an evaluation of her Sensory Processing Disorder. It was a really thorough (and long) report. I found it both helpful and heartbreaking wondering how many of Sydney's classmates actually can do all the things that Sydney cannot, plus wondering how many of these 'inabilities' or 'deficiencies' Sydney has that I have either caused or not helped. I see myself now through completely different eyes, as I do Sydney's life up to this point.

First, the report describes Sydney's visit in great detail. It discusses everything from Sydney flapping her arms to talking baby talk as either behavioral or coping mechanisms--the OT was not sure. She talks about Sydney's inability to track the ball that is being thrown at her, and her inability to catch it without using her body. I guess I didn't know that 5 year olds COULD catch a ball without using their bodies to help them catch--especially since it was a large beach ball. She discusses Syd's tactile disfunction in regards to the small swimming pool filled with unpopped popcorn, and how she refused to enter the pool, didn't want to touch the kernels and wouldn't give eye contact. The report also discusses how, when on the floor laying flat on her tummy, Sydney was asked to be a snake and didn't use her legs very much to move along the floor. Was that a misunderstanding on Syd's part or inability for her brain to communicate the proper movements to her body? There is quite a few areas (more than I expected) that we need to work on. I am sort of overwhelmed. The OT included information on Therapeutic Listening, and how along with a 'sensory diet' it might help Sydney progress faster. I sent our new OT an e-mail to see what she thought and if it might be worth looking into. Hopefully she gets back to me soon. Marlene said she just got back from vacation, so maybe it will be a few days before she responds. I keep thinking that I don't have a few days; I want to get going on this NOW!

Second, the report gave us some great insight into what we need to work on with Sydney. The OT gave us lists of different fun things we can do at home, and Sydney will have no clue that it is therapy. It's all mostly different things we can do just playing with her. As I read the list, after reading about Sydney's deficiencies, I was thinking how much of this could I have helped along? I find myself looking back on times with Sydney where I was the enabler--trying to calm Syd's anxiety or frustration by stepping in to help with zippers, shoes, getting dressed, etc--or just doing all of these things just to avoid the distressing behavior in the morning before day care so that we could both have a good day. I think about all the toys she has asked for, like Moon Sand or Play Dough or different things she's seen on tv, and how I said I wouldn't buy those things because they are too messy. Has my need for less stress actually caused more for all of us? Had I bought the moon sand long ago when she wanted it, would that have lessoned some of her issues? Had I stepped back and let her try to do things on her own, would she be farther along? I specifically remember on several occasions thinking, "This is my baby, and it's okay if I do these things for her. She will learn them eventually. She doesn't need to grow up so fast." Dammit. Some of the other activities on the OT's list included chores, such as washing windows, carrying in groceries, vacuuming. Neither of my girls do these things. Can you say, "enabler"? I certainly can, and I know the word all to well. Might as well stamp it on my forehead or wear it as a sandwich sign for the whole world to see, as I have labeled myself. I am thinking I am the biggest obstacle in Sydney's path.

So, tonight when I picked the girls up, we went directly to Target and shopped in the toy aisles. You should have heard Sydney's delight when I told her she could get Moon Sand. She told me that she had been wanting it her whole life. We also bought a huge "can" of playdough--it had 20 different playdough colors and scissors, molds, you name it. Morgan got something she'd been wanting as well, so both were very happy girls. Ya gotta love that.

Time to move forward, lose the guilt and do the best we can from this point forward. It's too late to change what I've done in the past. Now it's time to give these girls more chores and more fun as well. Wish me luck, strength and perserverence.

Vacation in So. Dakota

What to write, what to blog. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, it's that I have too many thoughts going through my head, and it's sorting them out and choosing so they make the best sense.

We left on Sunday the 21st to start out our vacation. We headed for Devil's Tower, WY. The girls did okay--mostly Syd was impatient, but okay. What an amazing site--we topped one of the hills heading there, and all of a sudden there it was. This big rock sticking up out of the earth peering over the hills. It was amazing. It wasn't like there was a bunch of other rocks around it--it was pretty much by itself. Very cool. We spent the afternoon--once we got the camper parked and settled--hiking around the base and watching climbers on the tower. It was such a fun day. The girls got tired and hot, but they did great. Monday morning we got up, packed everything back up and headed for South Dakota. It took us a while, but we made our way through Rapid City and down through Hill City and to our campground. It's HUGE!! We got parked and settled and were deciding on what to do, when we heard a knock on our camper door. Great, it's the KOA guy--what are we in trouble for this time? (long story, but it seems sometimes when we go camping we get into trouble--but not because we've done anything wrong, but sometimes people are just jerks!) Anyway, we weren't in trouble, but actually the KOA was in trouble with one of their customers. Apparently a man made reservations way back in January for our specific spot, and he happened to arrive the same day we did--but we got here first--and for some reason--I think when we added an extra night to our stay--they put us in this guy's spot. Well he threw a fit, so one of the head honchos came to our camper and offered us our whole stay for free if we would move. Heck yeah we'll move! So, we ended up moving--closer to the playground and pools--and spent the rest of the day here at our campground, swimming, playing and hanging out. Tuesday morning we decided to get up early and head to the Needles highway and drive on the pigtails and go through Custer State Park. We saw tons of buffalo, a few deer, and fed the burros. It was a fun day but lots of driving. Wednesday we slept in a little bit then headed towards Rapid City and went to Reptile Gardens. Sydney was pretty scared to go in there, but once she realized that all the animals were behind glass and in cages (well for the most part) she was okay. We even sat and watched a bird show and saw part of an alligator show. We really enjoyed Reptile Gardens, which is amazing because that wasn't even one of our original planned stops, but we decided to try it out. We then headed into Rapid City to have a lunch cooked for us (our first time eating out on vacation!) and then went to the maze. Well that kicked us in the butt! It was pretty confusing, but we had fun even though we were really hot and tired. Then we drove around Rapid City and stopped at Sonic (never eaten there before!) to have some ice cream. By the time we got back to the campground, we were pretty sure Marlene, John and the kids had arrived at the lodge, so we walked up there and found them, and played with the kids at the park for a while, then came back to the camper for a campfire and some fun.

This morning (Thursday), we got up EARLY so we could make it to Mt. Rushmore before it got too crazy busy. Wow--that was amazing too. Unfortunately, it was not a good time for Sydney. She was on overload. I missed most of the museum because she would take off running once we entered and she heard the explosion from the little video demonstration. She refused to go in there. She cried so much today--it was pretty rough--I'm sure for her more than me because I don't understand. I was almost in tears at the museum from frustration. There's only so much you can do until everybody is miserable, so basically you do the best you can. Then we headed to Flintstone Village. She had more overloads there. The little Flintstone Trio show was more than she wanted to take, and we forced her to sit in there with us, which I don't know if that was a good idea or not. Then Barney and Fred came out in their costumes--yikes--more overload. She wouldn't even walk AROUND them. We had to wait until they left before we could continue on. Bleh. She then did okay--decided she wanted to ride the Flinstone Village train, so that was good. The kids played on the playground lots, and we all got something in the gift shop. I guess looking back at the morning, with 8 of us in John and Marlene's vehicle and all the walking, and the heat, the kids didn't do too bad. I think Miss Melissa will get an earful from Syd next week at OT. Let's hope the thunder boomers don't come tonight and tomorrow at Bear Country is fun!!! It has been a great vacation so far. I'll post some pics later.

Change

Change is comin' down the pike--what am I saying? Change is here--change is everyday life I think. Besides, what would like be without change? BORING! If only change came without worry, without heartache, without fear--hassle-free change. It does happen sometimes, but lately, it seems like change has been painful for my sister, my girls, and myself.

The girls started this week at their friends' house for the day with our babysitter Sarah. I was nervous about it--mainly because of Sydney and how she deals with change, and also because I don't want a wedge to go between my friend (the mom of the other 2 girls) and myself. I don't want any drama. I am so SICK of drama. But, thanks to my worrisome ways, the drama is there. The first day went great--Sarah took the kids to the park at the school, and they got to see some of their friends that are in the boys and girls club summer program. That made them happy. They did great, had fun, and were completely tired when they got home. Sydney was soooo cranky--and completely clumsy. I bet she fell 5 times Monday night. Then Tuesday morning came (after 2 nightmares Syd had) and she was CRABBY!!! It was bad. She kicked at me and was so mean. It was an awful morning. I left the house in tears. Mainly because I had been stressed and didn't sleep much during the night (plus Kory was SNORING!) so that doesn't ever help with the emotions.

Anyway, Tuesday night came, and things were a little bit better--the girls were still tired, but they had a good day. Same thing with Wednesday--but the girls were REALLY tired last night! Today is Syd's appointment with the new OT--I hope she's not too tired to function okay at the appointment! I'm glad they're staying busy and getting wore out--it really is good for them. Sarah takes them to the school for lunch on days that they know they will like what's being served. That is a good thing--it will get Sydney used to the cafeteria for when she goes to Kindergarten. She'll know what she needs to do, how busy and noisy it is, and where it is. These are all good things. But, they stress me out--I worry. I hate worrying. It sucks. Change is not so bad--it's the crap that comes with it. . . that I do to myself!!!

Evaluation

Sorry I hadn't posted about Syd's evaluation. Things are just terribly crazy!!

We got to the OT's office (Miss Aimee) and there was Sydney's doctor with her daughter. That was a pretty cool coincidence. The daughter was talking to Sydney and telling her how much she would like Miss Aimee and checking to see how tall Syd was compared to her. So they left, and our visit with Aimee started by her having Syd swing on a "boat swing". It's hard to describe--it's like a flat rectangular board that hangs from the ceiling, and there are wooden dowels on either side that hold the rope (I don't think I'm explaining this very well). Anyway, after we finally convinced Syd to get on the swing, Aimee had her hold onto one of the dowels and start swinging by using her shoulders/arms. She then had her 'fish' from the swing with a fishing pole and a magnet and catch cards that were puzzle pieces and put them together. She did fine with all of that. She then had her slither like a snake on the ground (I think to test if she only used one side or both sides of her body) and then roll like a log. She was videotaping everything. I won't go through all the gory details, but she did see that Syd has some tactile dysfunction, as she would not put her feet into the swimming pool filled with unpopped popcorn (thus the fact that she refuses to wear socks and certain clothing). And she only wanted to use the scoops and not her hands to play with the popcorn. Aimee also thought that Sydney had problems tracking things with her eyes--like a ball hanging on a string from the ceiling. But, I think, even though I'm not a professional, that some of that was that she was busy watching Aimee and not the ball. She also noticed visual avoidance when she would throw the beach ball at Syd, but again, I think Sydney thought the ball was going to hit her in the face so she turned her head. The biggest thing, I think, that Aimee noticed and that we are working on is her fine motor skills. Sydney tends to tire easily when writing or coloring, so we have a lot of work to do there. Aimee suggested some exercises and fun things to get Sydney to do to help out with her shoulder strength which will help her with her fine motor skills/muscle strength. It was all very interesting to watch, but I was really disappointed when we left, as Aimee said she could not get us a report for 3 weeks, and then after that she could only see Sydney once every other week. I was really stressed and worried about that. Why is it that I seem to be the only one worried? Kory doesn't seem worried at all which frustrates me. If he is, he doesn't express it, and he isn't acting on it.

Luckily, I have this wonderful sister Marlene who was able to get us in for a second evaluation with the OT Jared sees, and she got us in for weekly appointments with the OT assistant. Thank you Marlene! You took a huge worry off my shoulders!!!

What am I supposed to do?

I guess all I can do is just move on. Same song, different verse.

I'll post tomorrow about Syd's evaluation.

Referral

Sydney had her appointment today with Dr. Heidi. They were so relieved we had already gotten her kindergarten shots. They hate giving those! Anyway, she asked us what behaviors do we think might interfere with Sydney's schooling. We told her noise, too much activity, and transitions. If Sydney is not prepared for something, she will have a meltdown. She nodded her head yes at all of these. She told us that even though Sydney's behaviors are mild to medium compared to the children described in the book, she thinks it would be good for a Pediatric Occupational Therapist to evaluate Syd. She gave us two names, and then she said she would call both of them and talk to them about Sydney to see which one could get her in first. Then we have a better chance of having some time before Kindergarten to work with Syd and help her adjust. She said she even had her OT go visit with her daughter's kindergarten teacher before school started, so it might be a good idea depending on the evaluation and how much we can help Sydney before school starts. Then she did the normal evaluation of Sydney--her pre-kindergarten well-child-checkup. She had Syd draw a picture of a person, so Sydney did it as fast as she could. Head, body, arms, legs, eyes, nose & mouth. I remember when Morgan did it--I believe she went into much greater detail--maybe even put a dress on the girl or drew hands. It is interesting to see the difference. Heidi said the main thing they look for developmentally is that they draw more than 3 body parts. phew! Sydney did fine on all the developmental tests, and Dr. Heidi even let her listen to her own heartbeat. Pretty amazing that Syd let her put the stethoscope ends in her ears since she is so sensitive there! Syd really liked it. Dr. Heidi took her out to get her a book and sticker and sucker and we were done. So now we will wait to hear when we can get Syd in to see the OT.

We are so lucky to have Dr. Heidi. She is so caring and the girls love her.

Dr's Appointment

Sydney's evaluation for Sensory Processing Disorder is tomorrow. I am very interested to see what the doctor says. I finished the book last night that the doctor told me to read, "Sensational Kids". It had some very interesting thoughts in it. First and foremost, it said that they do not know the exact cause of SPD. They have a 'top ten' of things they have found doing research. One of the theories was that it is hereditary--but it said mainly that they do not usually have to look at people past the parents. From what I can tell, I do not have sensory issues like Sydney--and I really don't know about Kory. I know he was extremely shy, and I know that sometimes Syd's SPD (assuming that's what it is) is confused by others as shyness, so maybe there's something to it. The other cause that really stood out to me had to do with troubles with the pregnancy or at birth. They looked at 100 kids with SPD, and out of those 100 kids, 11 of them were breach, and 63 were C-Sections. I'm assuming that with all the other issues these kids had at birth, they had to be put on oxygen right after they were delivered--just like Syd and just like my nephew who also has sensory issues. This makes me wonder if that didn't "heighten" Syd's sensitivities. I remember when she was a baby how she would startle so easily--you could be looking right in her face, say "boo" quietly, and she would startle. She still startles easily--which is a nervous system reaction. Morgan does not. Isn't that interesting?

At the end of the book, among other appendices, the OT/author wrote a "Sample Letter for Helping Others Understand your Sensational Child". Here are some excerpts from that letter (I have edited some of it to apply to Syd's situation):

Dear (insert name here):

I know Mom has told you about my "hidden handicap" called Sensory Processing Disorder. People sometimes call the disability "SPD" or "sensory integration dysfunction" too. SPD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects my brain and makes it different than your brain.
SPD is a complicated disorder and research is only just starting to come out about it. What we know already is that kids with SPD are not all the same. Some kids are over-responsive to sensations, which means they find a lot of sensations offensive. This causes them to have a "fight/flight" reaction to messages from their senses. . . (the letter goes on to describe other types of sensory disorders). . .
I'm the over-responsive/sensory defensive type of SPD. My SPD makes it hard for me to correctly interpret the sensations I feel. I'm sure you remember last year when I hid in my room when everbody came over for Thanksgiving. I couldn't wait for everybody to get there, but when they did I couldn't handle/process all the noise and people, so I went in my room. Then later I had what Mom calls a "meltdown."
Sometimes people think that if I don't join them at the meal table it's because I am being rude. The sounds, smells and people get to me.
Sometimes people tell Mom and Dad that they just need to make me get used to things like the boat or the wind or the circus, or places with a lot of activities and noise. The reality is that I CAN'T get used to them. If I am in a new situation where I can't predict what is going to happen, I get scared and have a meltdown because I cannot process all the messages that are coming into my brain. Forcing me to do something will put my brain on overload, and then nobody will enjoy their time. Asking me to do something over and over that my parents have already tried to get me to do won't help.
You know what's most important to me? It's that you don't judge my parents' efforts. Everyone is always giving them advice about me or saying I'm just fine--like THEY know better how to handle me than Mom and Dad. But nobody else lives with me, and it's really hard on my parents when people who don't live with me try to tell them how to do it. They know you have the best intentions but, honestly, we have been through a lot already and they are so familiar with my needs. They are such great people and they need your support.
It might sound like I'm asking you to change yourself, but I'm really not. I just want to ask you to be patient with me and understanding with my parents. I am trying hard to cope with everything, and they're doing their best to help me.
Do you think you see the world now a little bit like I do? That's what I hope. I am just me. I am like you in lots of ways and I'm different in other ways. There will be a place for me in the world, and I plan to do great things when I grow up. But in the meantime, at family celebrations, we'll all have a better time if you can take the time to imagine how I feel, to realize that I want to be "good" and participate, and I am doing the best I can!

There were many traits described in this book that opened my eyes. For example, a low tolerance for frustration, or being slow to reach milestones. Syd did not walk until she was 16 months old. She was very slow to learn to ride a trike or her little bicycle with training wheels. She was always pretty clumsy--I remember joking how she was just like me--poor kid--but gymnastics has done wonders with that, working with her balance and building her muscles through play.

I'll post tomorrow night about Syd's appointment with her doctor and what we find out. I'm hopeful to see some positive changes in Sydney, assuming we are given activities to work with her or a referral to an OT. Anything we can do to help her will help the whole family, as I know it has put a strain on my relationship with Morgan.

OMG

My baby is going to go to Kindergarten next year. I can hardly believe it. The school had kindergarten registration this morning, and I was almost emotional about it. I got a little bit teary-eyed filling out the paperwork. Dumb. Anyway, I took Morgan to school today (Kory usually takes her) since I had to go to Kindergarten registration, and she took ice cream sandwiches for her birthday treats. She wanted to listen to her new Hannah Montana cd I bought her for an early birthday present. It is actually a pretty good cd. Anyway, we were listening to "The Climb". I really love that song. It really strikes a chord with me, no matter how trite that statement sounds. Here are some of the words:

There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
There's always gonna be an uphill battle.
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
It doesn't matter how fast I get there.
It doesn't matter what's waitin' on the other side.
It's the climb.

So true, so true. So here's a little mountain--me sending my Syd to Kindergarten and hoping she isn't scared--but Morgan made it through. And Syd has Morgan and her best friend Maycee to lean on, so I'm sure she'll do just fine. She's got enough spunk in her. Not as much as her cousin Kate, but none-the-less she's got spunk.

Keep climbing, Keep the faith.

"I Love My Husband"

I saw this bumper sticker on a mini-van the other night when I was taking Syd to gymnastics. I wondered what the heck it meant. I mean, I love my husband too, but I'm not going to put it as a bumper sticker on my car! Did she put it on there instead of saying, "I love my Golden Retriever" or "I love my Ferret"? I just don't get it.

Another thing I don't get are people that say, "I love you" all the time to their spouses or significant others every time they talk to them on the phone. So the more you say it means that you mean it more? To me it seems that the more it is said, the less it means.

Amazing what kind of thoughts a dumb bumper sticker evokes.