My Flowers

I took this picture yesterday morning of my flowers I planted. . . all 160 of them. . . give or take a few!

Do You Believe in Ghosts?

I'm serious when I'm asking this question. I really didn't have an opinion on this subject until we moved into our new house in 2006. You would think a newly built house would not have other inhabitants, right? Well ours did/does. The first time we noticed it was one night when Kory was thawing out some hamburger in the microwave. One child was asleep, the other downstairs with us--both too small to reach the microwave. Kory put the package of hamburger in the microwave, set the timer, and came back downstairs to watch tv. We had only been in the house maybe 3 months--it had been raining all day. He went back upstairs to check on the hamburger, and the microwave door was open, the hamburger unthawed, and there was still time left on the timer. I just thought Kory had lost his mind. . . until I remembered seeing a tennis ball in our closet a few days earlier. We don't own any tennis balls. The day care next door doesn't have any tennis balls, and our dog does not play with tennis balls. At the time I thought it was strange but kind of shrugged it off. . . until the microwave event. Then the next weekend I woke with a start. . . I ALWAYS turn a fan on in our bedroom before I go to bed. . . the noise helps me sleep--along with the air movement. I turned it on that night, and when I woke with a start about 1/2 hour after I went to sleep, the fan was off. I got up and went to turn it back on. . . nothing happened. What the. . . ? So I turned on my light, and it turns out the fan was unplugged. At that moment, I knew we had a ghost. We had to be careful not to talk about it in front of Morgan--but at the same time it was very hard not to. We didn't want to scare her. I would go through each occurrence in my head, questioning every possibility, but a ghost was the only explanation. We even asked the builder of the house about it--what used to be here many years ago? The only thing they knew was that there used to be a pig farm here--great.

It seemed like for a while we would notice little things after that. . . the fireplace would shut off by itself (gas) when we didn't have it set on the thermostat. . .weird things like that. . . but nothing like the 3 things I listed above. . . that is until recently. Our dog never acted strange when the ghost was around. . . until recently. About 2 months ago, Kory was downstairs watching tv, and I was upstairs in bed. Kory said Zoe (the beloved pooch) kept looking at the pictures on the ledge of my mom and dad. My dad passed away 9 years ago. She has never seen him. He did love dogs, and I know he would have had a soft spot for Zoe. She has NEVER even noticed those pictures before. . she usually just lays down while we're watching tv, but that night he said she was different. She sat there just looking up at those pictures like she knew him. I'm sorry I missed it. And then tonight. . . we got home from swimming lessons, and the light switch just inside the house by the door coming in from the garage would not turn the lights on. So, Morgan went to the top of the stairs where there was another light switch for those same lights--nothing. All the other lights worked. Then Kory went downstairs to hit the other light switch for those lights, and that one worked--then the other ones worked. Now I'm sure there's some sort of logical explanation for this light switch phenomenon, but my explanation is our little ghost friend.

I've never felt threatened. . . so maybe it is my dad--he would do those kind of silly things just to tease me. And he would get a good laugh out of doing those kinds of things too. And what about those times when I'm having a really bad day, and it just so happens that a Don Williams song comes on the radio (who plays him anymore?) or when I was really stressed out and on my way to work and I would see Dad's old Dodge? I don't know--those could all be easily disputed in some scientific study I'm sure, but for me, I prefer to think my dad is telling me that everything is going to be all right. . . stop stressing. . . appreciate what I have. . . and most of all appreciate my family.

A New Reader

I just found out that I have a new reader to my blog--one of Kory's classmates that I have not yet met. So, I put a link to her blog on here--I hope that's okay! I can't even describe how I felt when she e-mailed and said she's been reading my posts and that she liked them. It was not only flattering, but made me happy that there are other people that see this blog. I can't even begin to imagine how many blogs there are out there, so to know that this gets read by people that I don't even know really surprised me I guess. See? I am struggling to describe it.

Thank you for reading! I am going to have to be more dedicated and post more often. . .

Only Good News

So I'm only going to talk about good news tonight. Mom's tumor was self-contained. The surgeon removed one lymph node and it was clear. Yayyy!!! They believe they got the entire tumor. We'll know more in a week when she sees her surgeon for follow-up. So, since the tumor had not spread to the lymph nodes, that means it was less than a Stage 3 cancer. This is what I had hoped, and this is truly what I believed was to be true before we even went in today. I felt so bad for my mom this morning--while we were waiting for her first appointment today, she said to me, "I am so scared." Let me tell you--having never heard that from my mom before--it shook me up. You all would be so proud of how strong I was today. I shed not a single tear--that is really hard for me to do, but I knew I had to do it, and I did.

Thank you to EVERYBODY who said prayers and gave us all best wishes. You are the best, and I couldn't ask for better people to know. I love you all. You just simply have no idea how full my heart feels right now with all the prayers my mom has received this week. My mom, myself and my family were truly wrapped in a blanket of love today--no matter how corny that sounds.

I'm Just Tired. . .

That's what I was telling myself this morning sitting in the skimpy hospital gown that I had to hold shut while I was waiting for the ultrasound tech to come back. . . she told me before my ultrasound that the radiologist said I had to have another mammogram this morning before I could have the ultrasound so they knew where to look--my last mammogram was from 2001, and that was too old. I panicked--I wasn't prepared for this small bump. It seemed so big at the time--I was awake most of the night with pain in my breast and armpit. I told the tech that my doctor said she wouldn't order a mammogram because of the tenderness, swelling and just overall pain. She said she would call my doctor's office--I wanted to tell her to tell that MALE radiologist that I would get a mammogram today if he stuck his balls in the same machine to see what that felt like. But I held my tongue--with tears in my eyes. I was in pain--I was not prepared. Later on I told myself, "this is how Sydney feels when you mess up her routine. This is how she deals with it--by crying." I didn't want to cry--I really tried not to--but I am stressed out. I told the tech that my I am really stressed out--my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and I'm stressed, as tears stream down my face. How frickin' embarrassing. I wanted her to know that I wasn't crazy--that I don't usually freak out when I'm told I have to have a mammogram--but I was in pain, dammit!!! So, she comes back after speaking to my doctor's office, and says my doctor is on vacation until noon today. Lovely--the nurse recommended I do the mammogram first, but it is my choice. Well okay--I'll do it--but I was PISSED!! When I'm pissed I cry--sometimes. So, then everybody was soooo nice to me I just kept crying--stop being nice to me! The mammogram hurt--but they put a cushion on the plate so that it wasn't so bad. I told the mammogram tech that a woman must have invented that foam cushion--she smiled. Then they did the ultrasound--the mammogram was clear (I could have told them that!). But, the ultrasound showed 2 cysts--so they brought in the prick (excuse my language here folks) that made me have the dumb mammogram--the one was pretty small, but the other one they want to aspirate and test the fluid--if any--they get out of it. I could schedule it right away or I could wait 6 months. They also brought in a nurse navigator like Mom has. I had to think about it--while I was thinking about it, they all just stared at me--do I have to decide right now, I wanted to say. So I just said I wanted to wait 6 months. I can't handle this right now. I should have cancelled the ultrasound in the first place, but I thought I should get it done. The doc said there's less than a 2% chance it's malignant--well with all the crap going on now, maybe by 6 months it will go away.

Enough of this crap--I need to focus on my mom. I decided I got all the tears out today so that I won't have any tomorrow. They moved Mom's surgery up to 11:30--hallelujah. So it won't be such a long morning for her. I really feel it's going to be okay--they caught it fast. She had her last mammogram 6 months ago, so this is promising. The tumor is small--maybe the size of the tip of my thumb. I wish they would tell her that her worrying caused her tumor--that's about the only thing that would cure her of worrying. Not about this, but about everything in general--even before we knew about the tumor.

Ihave so many dear friends and family all praying for her. It's amazing. THAT makes me cry too--just knowing how much people care.

Appointments

Mom had her appointment today. She goes in for surgery on Thursday for a partial mastectomy. They won't know until that day if the cancer has spread to her lymph nodes or not. I tried really really hard to be strong, but then when the doctor said "this is when we start to worry about our daughters (getting cancer)" I started to cry. He was so kind--too bad every doctor doesn't have his bedside manner. He looked at me and said, "It's okay to cry, I cry all the time." The good thing is that Mom has a "nurse navigator." She's kind of a case manager. She will go to Mom's appointment with her if Mom wants her to, she communicates regularly with the surgeons and oncologists, and she meets with them twice a month and they discuss each patient case and what they think the best course of action is for each patient. It's really quite impressive. She was so sweet with Mom too. So, Now we just wait for Thursday to come around.

Kory's dad had a new stint put in today--I guess the one he got about a year ago was all clogged up. He's in the hospital for 24 hours and will come to our house for another 24 hours before he goes home. Hopefully that helps him to feel better. He's been sick for a long time and hasn't really been able to sleep very well at all, so I hope this helps him.

One tidbit of drama--lightning started a fire out here in Lockwood--great. Luckily we're not close to it, but I worry about the smoke and how it affects Morgan. I guess we'll see if her cough gets worse.

I think I need a drink. . .

Our Parents' Health

So I got the phone call from Mom this afternoon, and now we found out Kory's dad has to have either a stint or open heart surgery tomorrow. I have an ultrasound myself tomorrow afternoon at 3 I was going to cancel due to us going out of town camping, but we have now canceled our camping trip, so why not--let's get all this crap out of the way--instead of sitting around worrying about it--let's hit this head on. It will suck, but that's life--it sucks a lot lately.

Bad News

Mom called--the surgeon's nurse called her this afternoon and said the surgeon would like to see her in the morning. Mom asked her if she could tell her if it was benign, and the nurse said, "no, honey, I can't." So, the more I think about it, the more I think it is malignant. The doctor woudln't see her in his office if it was benign. If it was benign and they could leave it there, they would tell her over the phone. If it was benign and they needed to remove it, they would schedule surgery. I'm thinking the doctor wants to talk to Mom about her treatment options. Crap crap crap. That's the only word I can think of right now without swearing. So, I'll go with her in the morning and hopefully he will say it's no big deal and we'll remove it, possibly do some radiation and be done. If I remember correctly, when they did the MRI, he wasn't concerned about her lymph nodes, which is a good sign. I hope so. Say some prayers for my mom.

Also, Kory's dad hasn't been feeling the greatest lately either. Kory's Mom and Dad are down today to see the cardiologist. They were going to do a stress test on him at 1:00--we haven't heard how that went--could be we have company another night.

Good News vs. Bad News

You always hear "What would you like first, the good news or the bad news?" So today you will hear the good news first. . . you have no choice in the matter.

The good news is that Mom's biopsy is over. They numbed her so it wouldn't be so painful, and she said the doctor was pretty funny and made her laugh. The bad news is we won't have any news until Friday. Now she gets to wait some more, but we are thinking she was really worried about the biopsy procedure itself, so she's relieved it's over.

The good news is that I was offered the Director of Finance Position at Head Start. Wow is that a boost to my ego. Maybe I am qualified to do something that I thought maybe I wasn't qualified for initially. The bad news is that it would be about a $20,000/year pay cut, so I can't take the job. So, here goes my optimism. At least I have a job, right? I was hoping the salary they quoted me would be with part-time hours in the summer--well it was, but it meant 2 weeks without pay in the summer--that's it. So, I have to call them back tomorrow and say sorry but there's just no way I can afford to take that big of a cut. I guess I thought it would be a little bit higher than what they said--but it wasn't. Oh well. They even told me that salary was at the high end of the range too. So, onward I go. . . it will be okay--I have my family and my friends and so much to be thankful for--now let's just focus on Mom. . . and pray that there is no bad news to go along with the good.

Funky

So my day kinda went along with the title of Sydney's favorite song, "Had a Bad Day". I guess I really can't say it was a BAD day, just that I am in a funk. I talked to Mom this morning, and she had an ultrasound yesterday--seems the 'spot' is about 3/4" big--she has a biopsy on Monday. I guess my stupid optimistic self (until today) was thinking that these tests were never conclusive--probably because we didn't have much information/details--that was until now. The fact that Mom could see it on the ultrasound screen monitor scared the hell out of me--what must she be feeling? Was she a little bit relieved that she had somewhat more details--even though we still don't know if it's cancer? The weird thing is that the spot is not hard--it can't be felt. At least the doctor spoke with her and let her know that they would be numbing the area, so that eased her mind a little bit. They'll take 4 or 5 samples and see if it's a malignancy. Ugh. I'm scared, so what the hell is Mom feeling?

It didn't help that today is the anniversary of Dad's death. Kory and I went to lunch, and then I went to the store afterwards to pick up some flowers. As I was leaving, in walked Mom to get flowers--how funny. So, I told her to meet me at my new office (which is right next to the cemetery), and we went over the the grave together. I was able to be strong and not cry the whole time--till I got back to work. Then I started telling the gals about how I met up with Mom, and I just started to cry. I hate that!! And the new office is just oppressive. Then I get news that the group of us that got raises in May from my old boss may not be getting our annual raises in July along with everyone else. Wow. Incredible.

So, tonight, I came home and went to bed--now I have guilt--because I'm not showing my kids how to deal with stress--although they probably just think I'm tired from moving yesterday--I hope. But, I need to get out of this funk this weekend and spend some time with them--and be thankful because they are what keeps me going.