That's what I was telling myself this morning sitting in the skimpy hospital gown that I had to hold shut while I was waiting for the ultrasound tech to come back. . . she told me before my ultrasound that the radiologist said I had to have another mammogram this morning before I could have the ultrasound so they knew where to look--my last mammogram was from 2001, and that was too old. I panicked--I wasn't prepared for this small bump. It seemed so big at the time--I was awake most of the night with pain in my breast and armpit. I told the tech that my doctor said she wouldn't order a mammogram because of the tenderness, swelling and just overall pain. She said she would call my doctor's office--I wanted to tell her to tell that MALE radiologist that I would get a mammogram today if he stuck his balls in the same machine to see what that felt like. But I held my tongue--with tears in my eyes. I was in pain--I was not prepared. Later on I told myself, "this is how Sydney feels when you mess up her routine. This is how she deals with it--by crying." I didn't want to cry--I really tried not to--but I am stressed out. I told the tech that my I am really stressed out--my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and I'm stressed, as tears stream down my face. How frickin' embarrassing. I wanted her to know that I wasn't crazy--that I don't usually freak out when I'm told I have to have a mammogram--but I was in pain, dammit!!! So, she comes back after speaking to my doctor's office, and says my doctor is on vacation until noon today. Lovely--the nurse recommended I do the mammogram first, but it is my choice. Well okay--I'll do it--but I was PISSED!! When I'm pissed I cry--sometimes. So, then everybody was soooo nice to me I just kept crying--stop being nice to me! The mammogram hurt--but they put a cushion on the plate so that it wasn't so bad. I told the mammogram tech that a woman must have invented that foam cushion--she smiled. Then they did the ultrasound--the mammogram was clear (I could have told them that!). But, the ultrasound showed 2 cysts--so they brought in the prick (excuse my language here folks) that made me have the dumb mammogram--the one was pretty small, but the other one they want to aspirate and test the fluid--if any--they get out of it. I could schedule it right away or I could wait 6 months. They also brought in a nurse navigator like Mom has. I had to think about it--while I was thinking about it, they all just stared at me--do I have to decide right now, I wanted to say. So I just said I wanted to wait 6 months. I can't handle this right now. I should have cancelled the ultrasound in the first place, but I thought I should get it done. The doc said there's less than a 2% chance it's malignant--well with all the crap going on now, maybe by 6 months it will go away.
Enough of this crap--I need to focus on my mom. I decided I got all the tears out today so that I won't have any tomorrow. They moved Mom's surgery up to 11:30--hallelujah. So it won't be such a long morning for her. I really feel it's going to be okay--they caught it fast. She had her last mammogram 6 months ago, so this is promising. The tumor is small--maybe the size of the tip of my thumb. I wish they would tell her that her worrying caused her tumor--that's about the only thing that would cure her of worrying. Not about this, but about everything in general--even before we knew about the tumor.
Ihave so many dear friends and family all praying for her. It's amazing. THAT makes me cry too--just knowing how much people care.
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