Funky

So my day kinda went along with the title of Sydney's favorite song, "Had a Bad Day". I guess I really can't say it was a BAD day, just that I am in a funk. I talked to Mom this morning, and she had an ultrasound yesterday--seems the 'spot' is about 3/4" big--she has a biopsy on Monday. I guess my stupid optimistic self (until today) was thinking that these tests were never conclusive--probably because we didn't have much information/details--that was until now. The fact that Mom could see it on the ultrasound screen monitor scared the hell out of me--what must she be feeling? Was she a little bit relieved that she had somewhat more details--even though we still don't know if it's cancer? The weird thing is that the spot is not hard--it can't be felt. At least the doctor spoke with her and let her know that they would be numbing the area, so that eased her mind a little bit. They'll take 4 or 5 samples and see if it's a malignancy. Ugh. I'm scared, so what the hell is Mom feeling?

It didn't help that today is the anniversary of Dad's death. Kory and I went to lunch, and then I went to the store afterwards to pick up some flowers. As I was leaving, in walked Mom to get flowers--how funny. So, I told her to meet me at my new office (which is right next to the cemetery), and we went over the the grave together. I was able to be strong and not cry the whole time--till I got back to work. Then I started telling the gals about how I met up with Mom, and I just started to cry. I hate that!! And the new office is just oppressive. Then I get news that the group of us that got raises in May from my old boss may not be getting our annual raises in July along with everyone else. Wow. Incredible.

So, tonight, I came home and went to bed--now I have guilt--because I'm not showing my kids how to deal with stress--although they probably just think I'm tired from moving yesterday--I hope. But, I need to get out of this funk this weekend and spend some time with them--and be thankful because they are what keeps me going.